glorious ambitions.

I Moved

2010-02-04T14:04:00.000-08:00

Hey, Guys!

I have moved my blog to http://katebboyd.wordpress.com. I'm not super faithful at its upkeep, but I am planning to work on that. You can also find me at http://danielandkatieboyd.wordpress.com, it's the blog for my husband and I to update everyone on what's happening in our life together. Thanks, loves!

lovingly
K

blessed to be a blessing.

2009-05-01T07:50:00.000-07:00

so, today walking out of the cafe on campus, i had one of those wind in the hair moments. and my hair is curled so my big hair flew behind me as went from those doors. i'm sure it was quite glamorous. unfortunately no one could comment because no one was around to see it, which is probably best because if someone was there i probably would have tripped and ruined all of the glamour [i prefer the british spelling here]. but that's just an aside to the real meat of this post.

i'm sitting in the library on my last official class day of the semester, and it makes me a little sad. i'm going to be leaving here this afternoon without the need to return until next fall. and even then just for sf because i'm taking two online courses. although i'm sure that i will find myself in the kind cubicles at the library throughout the summer and the semesters to come. this has really been a "rebuilding" year in my life, and i have dts to thank for a lot of that.

every time i step onto campus i can't help but be overwhelmed with the weight of its glory and just the idea that i get to be a part of it. i just can't conceive how God would choose to put me here for whatever thing He wants to prepare me for (since I don't have a clue what He wants me to do yet). i am so blessed to be here, and i know that i have squandered some of the opportunities that this place would afford me, but i'm learning.

if it were up to me (wallet-willing) i would be a student here forever, but i know that i don't have to be here to be a student of God. i am that every day. i am so blessed to have His Word, and i am so blessed to get to talk directly to my Creator and Master Planner (even if He is occasionally silent -- verbally to me). when you have pleasures and treasures like those, how can you not share them with the world. one thing one of my professors, dr. constable, said in class earlier this semester really struck me, "don't spend your life preparing to serve God and miss out on serving Him now."

that's really the biggest lesson that i've learned here. i've learned about theology and expositing and applying the Bible, but what i learned most is putting faith into action, and not waiting until you're finished here to be a part of God's ministry. the professors and the students here are extraordinary. i hardly dare to call myself a part of them because i'm just in awe of them. they are extraordinary in the way that they learn, live, and love. i have been blessed. thank you, dts.

i pray that i can be a blessing to God's people because of the blessings that i have received.

-lovingly-
k

UPdate.

2009-04-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

soooo....

what can i say? i've been a busy gal these days. but here's a quick update.

school is only a few weeks from finishing [both good and bad]. i love it, but i definitely need a break.

as always, i'm stressing about what i wanna do when i grow up. recently i've thought more about teaching. i'm just not sure how good of a teacher i would be, and i'm not sure if i wanna go through all of that extra training if i suck at it. haha.

i'm trying to be a busy businesswoman these days with my own sparks of creativity. i have my own website now, www.katebboyd.com. I made a bold choice and already put my new last name in there. i'm still adjusting to all of that. take a look. if you need anything like that done, please call. i have a wedding to pay for, haha. i have business cards, so you know i'm legit.

i am now officially the head cheer coach for lucas christian academy. hallelujah for not having to deal with hp girls anymore, and i'm excited about getting to go back to my cheerleading roots and hopefully feed into these girls' lives. this is the opportunity i was kind of hoping for.

i also have a new blog site. it's for the serious person in me. that way i can be completely frivolous here without weighing you down with the heavy thoughts floating around in my brain. but i gave you the link just in case you want to be.

i go through phases of content with my job. it gives me lots of time to play around with programs and learn on my own different things, but i'm not in love with it. some days i'm great there, and some days not so much. lately it's been not so much. unfortunately, i don't know what i want to do, and if i could manage to do that part-time so i could still go to school [answer: no; plus the pay i get here is great]. so we'll see. this is probably just random discontent, but i'm working through it.

i've been in the mood to take pictures lately, but i haven't. i should do that.

i miss my people a lot. i know i need dallas people. it's just hard to connect in a big city, especially when you're painfully shy. but i have a good feeling about the church we've started attending, and i'm praying that we'll find connections here.

that's pretty much it. you know, nutshell, etc. i should get back to homework. there is soooo much to do.

all in all, i'm quite happy despite my down times. i just have to keep looking to God because He alone is my Sustainer and Provider. He can get me through it.

-lovingly-
k

worship while you work.

2009-03-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

so, i was sitting at work doing my job... sort of... and it hit me. it was after i wrote my previous entry yesterday, and i was talking about my job and how i'm mostly satisfied and whatnot. and suddenly, something my old pastor said in a conversation once came back to me. we had been talking about worship, and how if you can worship even with music you don't like because of your sacrifice in worshipping despite the style your offer of worship is greater than it would be if you liked the style. and this thought struck me as i was surfing the internet for job opportunities that i may want in the future and such, and immediately i thought this. if i do my work that i don't always enjoy and do it to the best of my ability, isn't that glorifying to God even more so than if i was doing a job that i adored?

it's easy to do a good job at a job that you love and are good at, but when you're not the best at something or you just don't like doing something we don't always put in the effort to finish strongly. our lives and our work are all offers of worship to God and to do less than our best is kind of to tell Him that He is worthy of our best work through our hard times. And it just hit me hard. Yes, I could complain about how I don't like every single aspect of my job and how it's so hard to do a job that i just don't love, but that's not what counts. what counts is not the challenges i face, but how i handle those challenges. and i think i'm going to start handling them in a different way now because worship is more than something i do on sunday morning, it's how i live my life.

-lovingly-
k

here's to life!

2009-03-23T07:09:00.001-07:00

i have so many things that i've thought about writing here for you, but i just haven't been able to sit down and write them. i have some kind of writers block, but really it's mostly laziness. once i actually sit down to write it's like a torrential downpour of words. maybe that's why i haven't. i'm afraid of what will come out. however, i have decided [once more] to carry my journal in my purse with me everywhere so that i have a place to jot down whatever comes to mind. anyhoo... if you're reading this, you probably don't care about my journaling habits. so here's what happening lately.

spring break was great. i wish i wasn't sick for the first couple of days, but overall it was very relaxing and lovely. i got about zero school work done. which just means i have a lot to work on this week, especially since my position paper for soteriology is due friday. yeah. call me procrastinator. i just feel no motivation to do those things. it's not like in college or high school where i didn't do them to the last minute because i could. i definitely should not put off these papers, and i start to feel a little bad that i don't put in my best effort, especially since it's seminary. i just keep trying to decide if staying in it right now is what i should do, or should i wait a little longer until i'm settled and such. part of me really wants a great writing job, and that's hard to do with a full or even a half-load there. so please pray for direction. i just don't know where i'm going with school right now, and it kinda drives me crazy.

however, wedding planning is finally coming together. we have the ceremony, reception, and rehearsal dinner locations. we finally have bridesmaid dresses chosen and tuxes picked out. daniel and i chose our wedding bands on saturday too. we've registered. we have a wedding website. my invitations are designed, i just have to change a couple of things and have them printed to send out in a couple of months. i have a dress that i absolutely love! and i have lots of decorating ideas that have to wait a little bit. the photographer is all set. it's finally starting to feel like less work, although i still stress. but that's just me. and basically, i'm so excited and can't wait to start our lives together. i can't believe it's just over 4 months away.

work is good. i go in and out of job satisfaction, but overall i really can't complain. i get to do good work for good people and get paid for it. and working at the church has really helped me narrow down my future goals. i've learned more of who i am and what i want to do. the gym is pretty good. all-stars is winding down which is nice. that means there are fewer attitudes to deal with. i really enjoy teaching my wednesday classes with the little ones, who sadly left me to play soccer for the next month or two, and the older beginner girls. i've really seen a change in attitude from a few of them, and while they're still quite crazy, it's really cool to see how far they've come in the month that i've been working with them. i also have another opportunity or two for jobs that are exciting, so i'm really praying about those now too. and at least once a week i check out job websites to see if there are any opportunities for me. my issue is the whole full-time student thing, and that they may interfere with some commitments i may be making soon. so if you can keep me in your prayers there too.

there is sooo much bouncing around in this head of mine that it's amazing that i get anything done ever really. and i tend to worry a lot, so that doesn't help either. but on the upside, i've had an amazing couple of weeks/weekends with my favorite people. so i have really gotten to see how blessed i am, and how important relationships are. and i get excited thinking about all the possibilities too. so here's to life! have a blessed day!

-lovingly-
k

p.s. i'll try to make my next post a little less self-involved. :)

because you know you want to know.

2009-02-17T09:23:00.000-08:00

i'm kickin' it old school with my blog today. it's been a while since i've written, and there are so many random things to write down. so i'll write them as they come to me.

the wedding checklist is finally starting to wind down. the last big thing to get is the cake.

i've rediscovered my narrated bible. i like reading through it chronologically. i can connect with the story better.

i'm reading a little bit for pleasure rather than my school books. i'd forgotten what it felt like, so i rebelled a little.

i can't wait for february to be over so i can have some weekends again.

i've also rediscovered the library. free books. so amazing.

i'm reading a book by a.w. tozer for a bible study, and i highly recommend him.

i wish that i got naps. but i do get full night's sleep usually. so i shouldn't complain.

i miss people. especially my people. i need people.

why must we all grow up anyway? it's kinda cool, but mostly it's scary. can i get an AMEN?

i still have no clue what i wanna do after i'm done with school.

part of me still isn't sure that i'm even gonna finish grad school.

i hope it all turns out well.

i'm having to relearn how to communicate with God. somehow i'd forgotten, or it feels like i had. but it's all coming back to me now.

i'm determined to write more. i even bought a journal specifically for that purpose. actually i bought two. i've got ambition. haha.

i want it to be warm again. bring me 70 degree weather, please.

i've been emotional lately. and it's weird. really weird. but i generally keep it to myself.

i've been in a "catch up with people" mood lately. i'm working on it.

and in case you haven't been keeping track like i have, it's only 171 days until i get married!

wow.

that's it. in a nutshell.

-lovingly-
k.

staying sharp.

2008-12-30T14:05:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 23:17
Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another.

ah. so often i forget the value of community in my life. i like to think i can do it all on my own. but, alas, we are relational creatures made to be with each other. and the older i get, the more i realize my innate need for other people, and also the need for the right kind of people. i am blessed to have wonderful family & friends. and soon i hope to be in a wonderful church community that sharpens me as well. i can only hope to be a sharpener as others have sharpened me.

may our blades never grow dull.

2008-12-23T08:31:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 23:17
Do not let your heart envy sinners, But live in the fear of the LORD always.

guilty of the former. continually striving at the latter.

worries.

2008-12-22T07:29:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 22:4
The reward of humility and the fear of the LORD are riches, honor and life.

i am a worrier. i think it comes with my need to make plans. it's essentially a need to control things. i know, i know. this is no new revelation for you if you know me, or even for myself. just a statement of fact. but that simple statement of fact is not the point of this little blog entry.

in my spiritual life class this semester, my professor brought something interesting to my attention that i had never realized before. in 1 peter 5:5-7, it says this:

You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. [emphasis through caps theirs.]

you can humble yourself by casting your anxiety, your worry, on Him. and you trust Him because He cares for you. humility here is contrasted with worry. when i worry, i don't take God at His word that He'll take care of me. In matthew, Jesus said that as he takes care of the birds and the lilies, how much more so will He take care of me? and something inside me causes me to doubt His ability to do so. so i worry.

this popped into my head when i was reading that proverb earlier today. i'm well aware that pride is one of my biggest flaws, and it's pretty much the worst one to have. but it even shows itself in my worry. it shows how little i trust Him to take care of me. i trust people to do that all the time. how can i not trust God?

Father, clear my heart and mind of my anxieties that I might see You and your love more clearly. Help me find my focus on your love rather than my own abilities. Create in me a heart that seeks You and your kingdom first and leaves the rest to you. You are my Provider, my loving Father, and my ever-present Help. Thank you for the life You have given me. AMEN.

loyalty.

2008-11-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

Psalm 93:1-2

"The LORD reigns, He is clothed with majesty; The LORD has clothed and girded Himself with strength; Indeed, the world is firmly established, it will not be moved. Your throne is established from of old; You are from everlasting."

Ah, the day after the election. Emotions are running high today, and to be honest I'm not quite sure how I feel about the whole thing. But I read this today and thought, does it really matter how I feel? There is no nihilistic tendency in this thought. It's just that I know that the God I serve is sovreign, and while man has free will, God still has ultimate control of the world and our lives. He knew what was going to happen, and for this time right now, Obama is to be President.

But that's a side issue, the main issue for me is to remember who my chief authority is. My loyalty is first to a King and a kingdom [as Derek Webb would say]. The Lord reigns, and He has from old, even more so from everlasting. My loyalty to Him demands my respect for the leaders of our nation, but more so, asks for my prayers for them. God is strong, and God is sovreign. My mind cannot comprehend the expanse of His plan for me, the country or the world, but whatever the plan is, I know it's for the best. He is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. He is here despite our human failings, and He is in these results one way or another.

My God reigns supreme above all the kings, presidents, prime ministers, and emperors. I serve Him with my heart and my life.

-lovingly-
k

here my heart is satisfied.

2008-11-03T11:40:00.000-08:00

so, after that whole i'm gonna do Bible verses and post more, i disappeared for a few days. but i did keep up my reading. which you probably don't care about, but that's big for me. but here are the verses for today.

Psalm 84:1-2, 10-12

How lovely are Your dwelling places, O LORD of hosts! My soul longed and even yearned for the courts of the LORD; My heart and my flesh sing for joy to the living God. For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside. I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God, Than dwell in the tents of wickedness. For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts, How blessed is the man who trusts in You!

my boss shared them in our meeting this morning, and i always find them beautiful every time i read them. it reminds me why i love being in the presence of my Lord, because better is one day with Him than a thousand without Him. the more i read of Him, the more i love Him and the more i want to know of Him and be with Him. i think that's kind of how all relationships work, or should anyway. the more you know, the more you want to know. it's a deep respect and love and overall passion that builds a life together and makes you stronger.

how much more so should our relationship with God be like that? He is to be our first, our last, and our everything.

-lovingly-
k

nostalgia.

2008-10-30T08:25:00.000-07:00

Remember those days when I used to blog every day? I miss it. Ithink i just miss writing and quoting and sharing, but I also used to share Bible verses everyday. This was my way of being accountable for my Bible reading and sharing the wonderful words of God with my friends.

I think I may start doing that again, the verses, that is. And I'll try to blog more often. It's not really for you. I don't suppose people really care that much about anything I write in here. It's mostly for me, therapy and what-not. It's cheaper than the real thing [haha]. So here are today's verses.

Somehow, I've ended up back in the Psalms, which is where I started when I last posted verses every day. It is still one of my favorite books, simply for the honesty and emotion in them. You can't help but be moved by them. And these verses really struck me today.

Psalm 119: 174-176

I long for your salvation, O Lord, and Your law is my delight. Let my soul live that it may praise You, and let Your ordinances help me. I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek Your servant, for I do not forget Your commandments.

Okay. So here's what I love about these verses. They show David's innate longing for the Lord, especially with regard to His word/law. The more David knows of God's word, the more he lives for and seeks God, and the more his heart desires to be with him. God's word is his "delight," and it helps him love and praise the Lord. It increases David's desire for the Lord so much so that he wants his soul to "live that it may praise" God. I think that may be my prayer today and perhaps always, that my soul may live to praise God.

Is there really any other life to be had?

-lovingly-
k

extraordinary love.

2008-10-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

"We must grow in love and in order to do this we must go on loving and loving and giving and giving until it hurts-- the way Jesus did. Do ordinary things with extraordinary love."

--Mother Theresa

wow. when you think about the love that God has for us, and the amazing ways in which He's shown it to us, through Jesus, through people, through life. i can't help but be just speechless and in awe of my Creator and Master. it makes me love Him even more. and i am so thankful that He chose me to be an instrument of His love as one of His children and that He has given me so many people to love. i only pray that i learn to do so more deeply and more extraordinarily as He does for me each moment.

i am so blessed to be so loved.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." [amen.]

-The Apostle Paul, Ephesians 3:14-19, NIV

-lovingly-

so much food. so little time.

2008-10-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

everyone knows of my enthusiasm for the great state fair of texas. in fact, i believe that around this time last year i wrote an entire blog solely dedicated to it. and after being asked this year by a canadian fellow what i would eat at the fair, i decided to dedicate another blog to just that after his suggestion for making a list.

so here is my list of the top ten new foods that i am hoping to try at the fair this year [in no particular order].

1) chicken fried bacon- how can you make bacon better? batter it and fry it again, of course.
2) deep fried s'mores- the campfire classic has been taken a step further, and who doesn't like fried things, really?
3) fried chocolate truffles- i don't think this needs an explanation
4) chocolate covered strawberry waffle balls- fried chocolate covered strawberries. yum-o, as rachael ray would say.
5) texas barbeque egg rolls- i decided that i didn't need to try just sweets this year, so i'm balancing it with texas barbeque.
6) fried apple iPie and deep fried apple bites- i love fruit-filled fried pies (thank you, ham's), so this seemed like a no-brainer to me.
7) beefy fried queso bites- it's like cheese dip, fried. c'mon.
8) fried cake on a stick- this one could go either way, but i'm going to be optimistic.
9) mini chicken fried steak slider- what balances sweets out better than gravy?
10) dessert shooters- miniature desserts. just enough at the end of the day to top it all off. besides i needed at least one non-fried item.

of course, there are some other foods that are just tradition for me to eat at the fair. i always start with a turkey leg (i recommend sharing, pace yourself). corny dogs are good around lunch time. fletcher's is the only way to go. fried cheesecake is a newer tradition, but is on it's way to being one of my favorites. it's amazing. and at the end of the day, nothing beats a funnel cake. i recommend sharing this too. you'll likely be too full from all of the food you've eatent the rest of the day.

it may seem like a lot of food, but i figure if you're walking around the fair all day long it's bound to balance out somehow, right? well, i hope this may have helped some of you. if not, at least it gave me a chance to make a plan of attack for my day at the great state fair of texas.

just words.

2008-09-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

So I had a blog all written out, and the internet wouldn't let me post it. I lost it all. Sad day, I know. So now that I've gotten over it, I decided that instead of using my words, perhaps I'd have better luck with someone else's. So here are Baz Luhrmann's words. Some funny, most wise, and here for your enjoyment. So enjoy! -lovingly-k

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future,sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,

whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience

I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked, you are not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,

the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind,

the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults,

if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life,

the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,

Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary

What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either

Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it,

or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Brother and sister together we'll make it through

Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurtin,

but I've been waitin' to be there for you

And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Get to know your parents,

you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings,

they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,

but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle

because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard,

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,

you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you.

Maybe you have a trust fund, Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,

wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen

Brother and sister together we'll make it through

Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there

I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you

And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can

Everybody's free oh yeah

summer update.

2008-06-14T13:45:00.001-07:00

hello, my dears.

i suppose it's been quite a long time, but since graduation i have been quite a busy bee working one place after the other.

i am crazy excited about all that God has done this summer so far. i can just see Him working in my life and the lives of so many people around me, and i can't wait to see where He's going to take us and how He's going to use us this summer in CCA and just other people i know.

i've been in NC for 2 weeks now, and i have learned so much. mostly, God has shown me that He hears my prayers and He answers them. i can't begin to list all the answered prayers i've seen in that short time, but to Him be the glory for all of those things.

it's been kind of hard since i've kind of had to relearn all of those cheerleading things that i haven't done in years, but the best thing is that i feel like there are some areas where i am almost better than i was at my best. it's exciting to get to be a part of things that i didn't get to before. cca has been such a blessing in my life, and even though it takes me away from my loved ones (who i miss so much) i know it's all for a great purpose.

i feel ready and scared this time around. i'm also more homesick too. i guess it's just because last time i had so much that i was running away from, but that's not the case now. our them is "completely," the importance of loving God with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength. and i am finally learning to give up those things that i hold on to so much. this morning i had a nice little quiet, cry time with God and just gave it to Him. and i can't tell you how much peace i have felt since then.

so that's really the basic summary of everything so far. please keep me and all of the staff here in your prayers. we leave for florida tomorrow (sunday morning) and start our first camp on tuesday. then i come back to NC for about a day and leave for costa rica for our first cheerleading mission trip with cca.

thanks for all of your prayers so far! have a great day/week/summer!

-lovingly-
k

failure.

2008-05-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

I wrote this not long ago, but didn't post it. But now I am.

Lately, I’ve been thinking, which is not unusual for me, as I tend to overanalyze just about everything that happens, but here's where this particular train of thought started.

Two days ago I was playing sand volleyball at a barbecue, and I was so worried that I would be terrible or that I would embarrass myself or my team with my less than enviable volleyball skills (just ask my high school coach, I wasn't very good). That got me thinking. Why do I always feel such pressure to succeed? Was this self-imposed or did someone do this to me?

My conclusion is that it was self-imposed; and although it may have stemmed from elsewhere, I am definitely the one who has perpetuated it. I'm so scared of failure that I rarely even try. You can ask just about anyone that knows me well, and they can testify to this fact. Why don't I play more intramural sports? Because I might fail. Why don't I apply for different scholarships or programs or jobs? Because I might not get them. Why don't I write more in my blog or for anywhere else? Because it might be stupid and worthless.

Somewhere along in my life, I picked up the notion that I was supposed to be seen a certain way at all times. I think part of it stemmed from that "you must be a godly example" mentality that I grew up with. And, indeed, I must be. It’s my responsibility as a Christian. But instead of me being an example for God, I was really just being an example for myself. I took pride in my Christian life. And the truth is that I still do constantly. It’s not just what you do, it's why you do it.

I’m not saying that I wish that I would have just gone off my narrow path and done all the sinning I could while I could claim that I was young and silly and trying to find myself (although some days I feel like that); but, rather, I found that my unwillingness to have others see my faults has made me less accessible. I’ve made myself less of an influence because of it. No one wants to talk to someone who they feel they can’t relate to. And they're right in some ways, I can't relate to all of they’re experiences, but in many ways I can.

I'm human. I sin. I struggle with all of the things that collegians struggle with in their lives when they try to see how far is too far. I thought that by being the person who didn't fail, I could bring people to me who wanted to be like me, but instead all I did was make people feel like I was not on their level. I definitely don't have all the answers, but I wish in the past that I had shown others that I had the same questions and that I had even explored the possibilities.

At church we’ve been talking about the characteristics of spiritually influential people, and I have always wanted to be one. One of the characteristics is transparency. Let them see that you’ve failed, but that you’re forgiven and that you’re not letting your failure keep you from moving forward and growing. That will show them that God can love people just like them, people that fail, people that make mistakes constantly, people that could never live up to His expectations. Let’s face it. None of us meet those expectations, and none of us can ever meet those expectations. We’re all in the same sinking ship until God comes along to rescue us.

But instead of showing people how much God's love means to me and how much it has changed my life, I showed them how much my love for myself and my reputation means to me. And, ironically, that may be my greatest failure so far.

scattered thoughts.

2008-03-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

oh, today. it's been a weird kind of emotional day.

i'm just tired. not in a physical sense, but just plain tired.

weary is the word.

constantly feeling as though i need to defend myself and my decisions.

i'm even defending them to myself sometimes.

feeling separated. likely self-induced at least in part.

ready to leave commerce, and not ready to leave commerce.

not sure if i can take the heartbreak of it again.

thus bringing the self-induced separation.

gotta love defense mechanisms.

choosing paths.

uncertainty and judgment all around.

i guess today it all just hit me at once.

and yesterday was such a good day too.

i suppose my bottle-it-up approach doesn't always work the way it's intended to. haha.

right now i'm gonna try the "be still and know that I am God" approach.

that one never fails.

i'm free of all of this. now i should just live like it.

here's to a better day!

-lovingly-
k

i know the plans You have for me.

2008-01-31T11:15:00.000-08:00

Last week at church, my preacher was talking about the importance of being willing. He said that God will take a willing person and turn them into a worshiping servant, but the key is being willing, completely, totally giving your life over to Him.

This is something that in the past I have struggled with. I'm a little bit of a control freak, especially when it comes to my life. I like to know where I am going and what I'm doing. There's a comfort in that for me, as for most people. However, it's because of that very reason that God has found it beneficial to keep me from knowing such plans. I'm now nearing a very important crossroad in my life. I'm about to graduate college. That's just crazy. I can't believe this day that I've had down in my plans on paper my whole life is just 3 months away. I can barely grasp that in my mind. It is at this point in my journey where everyone asks me what I'm going to do and where I am going to go from here, and in my ignorance all I can say is "I have no idea, but I still have a little time."

Sadly, that time is quickly vanishing. However, I think I have an idea and a vague direction. Everyone tells you to find a job/career that you love and you'll never work a day in your life. So after much deliberation I came to one conclusion. The only job at which I could find myself happy with every day is in the concept of ministry. Yes, I love to write, and I may still get to do that. And yes, I love to cheer and teach cheer and gymnastics and all of that, and I may still get to do that too. That's what's great about ministry is that there are opportunities for so many different vocations within it. But the one place in which I could be happy all of my days is in sharing my wonderful Lord and beautiful Savior with people. That's really what it's all about.

People have told me before that they had seen me moving that direction with my life one day, and I think I knew it too. I just didn't want to take the steps necessary to be that person yet. I ran away from chances to do just that, and sometimes I still regret that. But I also know that I needed that time away to find myself and to find out that where I was going was exactly where I belonged. And last week, I heard that sermon about being willing, and at the end the preacher asked us to think and pray on it and to stand with him if we were, in fact, willing to be transformed into worshiping servants of God. And I did, and I am.

So that being said, I'm applying to seminary for the fall. The decision actually came quite easily to me, which if you knew me would surprise you. So for now it's out of my hands and solely in His, but that's where it should be. After all, it's not my life anyway, it's His.

a choice.

2008-01-17T08:31:00.000-08:00

"If you want to be happy, be." --Leo Tolstoy

i've decided something today. i think that happiness is a choice, and from now on i'm going to choose it. i can't make others happy, they have to want to be happy, and i have to want to be happy in order to receive it. if i go into everyday thinking that someone or something else can make me happy, then i won't ever find it. i find joy in the Lord and happiness in myself, and i'm going to try to live by that from now on. i'm choosing happy, and i hope you do as well.

-lovingly-
k

definitely not like garth brooks.

2008-01-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

It may seem a funny title, but right now it fits. Here's how. There's a song Garth Brooks sings that practically everyone knows, and rightfully so, it's a good song. It's called "The Dance." My favorite part is the piano at the beginning of the song, but that's a little off topic. The part I'm referring to is when he says, "And now I'm glad I didn't know / The way it all would end / the way it all would go / Our lives are better left to chance / I could have missed the pain / But I'd of had to miss the dance." He's saying that if even if he knew how it all would have turned out, even the fact that it failed and it hurt, he would have done it anyway.

Now me, I'm not that way. I rarely try things that I know I'll be bad at, and I definitely don't do things that I know I'm bad at (which is why I stay away from bowling and softball and basketball and golf and many more things generally). Occasionally there will be an exception to this rule, but it's very rare. I don't like failure. I don't like embarrassment. And I definitely don't like pain. Most things I do in my life are really to avoid these particular circumstances. I think that's a big part of my shyness. What if I say something wrong, or what if they don't like me? Thoughts that frighten me from speaking to just about anyone that I don't know without them speaking first. And believe me, this tendency is usually misinterpreted as snobbery, but in reality it's the opposite, just plain fear.

After many years, I have been able to conquer small parts of this fear. I can be outgoing when I have to be. Let's face it, you can't be a very good journalist without some kind of ability to talk to people and ask questions. So I can do it, but it still scares me. I have to write out every question I can think of and every follow up question and have them sitting right in front of me the whole time, or I forget them all. I often wonder how it's possible I've met anyone throughout my life, but God has been good to me. I know some fabulous people.

So you can only imagine that taking chances is not really a part of my personality. If I can't count on it being a good thing or being successful, then I won't even try to count on it. Why waste the energy worrying about it when I can be certain. However, certainty eludes me quite often. I can probably count 3 decisions that I've made as decisions that I was certain about when I made them, and they all happened within a year of each other.

Making decisions is something I loathe doing. I just can't take the "will it bother someone," "will they agree," "is this really the right thing to do" fight that goes on in my head day after day, moment after moment. Pile that on top of 1,000 other thoughts that are flying through my head at any given second (what can I say, I'm a multi-tasker), and it's enough to make anyone goes crazy.

The problem is that in life, you always have to take chances. Most of them are small, and you don't think twice about them. You probably don't even know you're taking them. You don't notice until the big ones come up. It's in those that you find, at least I do, a capacity for worry you didn't know you had. I don't put myself out there for people or for circumstances, and that also makes life difficult.

So the trouble with chances is that you have to take them, and that means taking the hurt and embarrassment and failure with them sometimes. In the end, all things work to the good of my life. If it were not some of those chances I wouldn't be here at this desk, or know you, or be the person I am today. Being human means messing up sometimes, and it can mean experiencing pain sometimes too. But I know that the pain is really where some of the most beautiful moments come from. So instead of looking forward to the possible hurt, I'm going to look forward to the beauty of life on either side of chance.

one step closer.

2007-12-18T11:06:00.000-08:00

Wow. That's basically the sum of this last year. I can't believe how wonderful it has been, and how much growing I've done (although not physically, sadly, I'm simply destined to be short).

I have had an entire year of living on my own and paying my own bills, although barely sometimes. The thing that has struck me the most this year is simply how gracious and faithful God has been to me. I have never had to miss a payment or go without for long. And I have to admit that as far as my walk goes I have had some ups and downs. But even when I was saying "not right now" or "not yet," God was saying, "I'm still here for you." That means everything to me, and that's why I am so grateful that I serve a great and loving God. He loves me even when I'm less than lovable.

While this past year has been wonderful, this next year shall likely prove to be challenging. In May, I will actually graduate college, a concept that becomes more real each day. Inevitably, that is a concept that also garners the "now what are you going to do" questions that make me feel so ignorant. You'd think if I knew one thing, it would be about myself and my own life. However, since my life is, in fact, not my own, I'm still waiting on those instructions. Right now, I'm satisfied with the small decision I've made about the summer. I'm definitely going to staff with CCA again, unless I get some absolutely amazing job offer that I just can't refuse (and that's highly unlikely) pops up. So I'm taking the summer to just be and maybe find some answers, but more importantly sharing the greatest of all answers, Jesus Christ, with people. I think that decision has made me happiest of late. My heart is overjoyed at the opportunity, and I may be going to Costa Rica with CCA too.

So, beyond the summer, I am clueless. I'm not sure what kind of job I want or if I want to go to graduate school or what I may want to study in graduate school if that's the case. I have so many dreams. I may just run away to New York or, better yet, London and see where life takes me. Although that's unlikely considering my need for plans and such, but I'm content to wait on the plans that God has for me. Sometimes I wish He felt the need to clue me in a little, but all in due time. It is only December, after all.

I guess that's enough from me, but that's where I am in my life at the present time. I'm just trying to make the most of the time and the people that I have been given, and I thank God every day for all of you. Thank you for being a light in my life.

-lovingly-
k

the courage to unpack.

2007-11-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

it's really strange to have a whole lifetime of memories packed up in my car.

let me explain. after all of the ugly divorce stuff, the house that i lived in for a majority of my life is no longer going to belong to my family. it has been a long process. but saturday we had to pack up everything. when i say everything, i mean everything. all of my room, all of my furniture, pictures, clothes, and such.

you just don't think that you'd be the one in possession of your baby book or school pictures or the cast from when you broke your wrist in third grade. those are the kinds of things your parents hang on to at their houses forever. the problem is that my parent doesn't have the room to store it all, so i had to take them. and i really don't mind. it's just very strange to have all of it.

i haven't even had the guts to carry it all up to my apartment yet. all of it still sits in my car, just whispering the memories to me. my old gymnastics medals and competition t-shirts, tons of pictures from high school and my first year in college, old cards and letters.

some of those memories i want to keep buried, and some i don't mind unpacking. but i just haven't decided which ones fall into which category. and what do i do with all of them?

just let the past, be the past. hopefully, it will shine a bright light to help me navigate my future. but in the present, they still sit there and whisper calmly to me. reminding me of where i come from, all i am, and all that i could be.

and so begins the end.

2007-10-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

i was sitting on my couch, and i was sweating since it seems to be perpetually hot in here. i was thinking about the clean laundry that needs to be folded and the dirty dishes that need to be washed and all of the things that i forgot at the grocery store yesterday.

and suddenly, my mind got quiet. and there was this rush of emotion. the finality finally hit me. this is it. my college career is almost over, and in less than a year i'm leaving here and embarking on a new life. i suddenly came to see what all i will miss in this place. my whole life is here almost. my closest friends, my jobs, my dogs, and my home. how do you just pick up and leave something like that?

i know it's not as harsh as it sounds, but it just became real. i'm in my last classes, and the spring schedule is out. all of the classes i need are there. i almost don't have courage to take them. once they're done i have no plan. i have no idea. i only have dreams, a handful of which i have already accomplished and so many more i have to still reach for.

even though i don't know where i'm going, i'm really glad that i got to stop here for a while. now i'm just waiting for my real life to begin.

procrastination.

2007-09-25T13:03:00.000-07:00

well, hello, my lovelies. i hope your lives have been swell lately. mine has been mostly so.

it's been a crazy year already, but i have to say that i love it being that way. well... most of the time anyway. classes are just sailing along, although i wish they would go faster sometimes. none of them are too difficult just yet, but i'm sure it will get there. just give it time. there are a few projects which i should get a jump on, but if you know me you know i'm kind of a procrastinator. other than all of that, scholastically my last year just keeps on rollin', thankfully.

professionally, this is both a good and stressful time for me. it just depends on which job we're talking about. the cheer program is doing alright. we've had an up and down few months losing girls, but hopefully we can gain one or two more in the next week or so. it's possible, so i just keep praying that it will look up. the girls we have are sweet and committed and [almost always] listen well. so if we can get one more then we'll have a good group to compete with.

my other job is great though. so far this year i have helped with a brochure, a poster, a mailout, and the viewbook for the university. i have also written a few things. one of the pieces is now in the university's alumni magazine and another was an important press release for which i got to interview the president of the university. that is likely to go out in a couple of different forms in university publications. so that part is going well. they seem to start trusting me with bigger and bigger projects. i just hope i don't disappoint.

i also am about to start writing for texas cheerleader magazine. i already have my first assignment due soon that will be in their winter edition. i may also get to have another piece in there also. so it's really exciting right now all of the great things i am getting to do.

personally, life is good too. this being my last senior year, i am just trying to enjoy life and its opportunities, another thing i seem to have procrastinated on. i have had such a great year so far with my friends and family, and i look forward to finishing it out the same way. cheering for tamu-c keeps me in shape and gets me to more university activities. i also have wonderful people surrounding me to make the last of my college experience awesome. so thank y'all.

i can't wait to see what the rest of the year and the future have to bring! have a blessed day, my loves!

-lovingly-
k

ben stein.

2007-08-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

For many years Ben Stein has written a biweekly column called "Monday Night at Morton's." (Morton's is a famous chain of Steakhouses known to be frequented by movie stars and famous people from around the globe.) Now, Ben is terminating the column to move on to other things in his life. Reading his final column is worth a few minutes of your time.

Ben Stein's Last Column

How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World?

As I begin to write this, I "slug" it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is "eonlineFINAL," and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.

It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.

Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.

How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a "star" we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails.

They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit , Iraq . He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world.

A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad . He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.

A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad .

The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.

We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.

I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.

There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.

Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero.

I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin...or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.

But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.

This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York . I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.

Faith is not believing that God can.
It is knowing that God will.

what's new.

2007-08-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

hey hey hey--

i figured that i haven't really updated everyone on my life recently, and i know you've just been on the edge of your seat in anticipation. so here. we. go.

i'm done with the orchard for the year and likely forever. next year i'll be looking for a real job, preparing for grad school, or getting ready to move away to an undecided destination [although london is looking up]. so no more orchard means i'm back to the marketing communications office on campus, which is already way better than last semester. i have my very own office which is not shared with the break room or the bathroom. i even have my name on the little finder thing that you look at when you walk in a building to see where each office is located. yeah, i'm that important. AND yesterday, i wrote text for a brochure that will likely be used. if it is, that means that thousands of prospective tamu-c students will read my paragraph all over the world. that's really exciting. i get to tagalong to interviews with important people across campus, so i get to meet the most incredible people commerce has to offer. i also like that i get to do all sorts of writing in that office: press releases, campus news coverage, alumni magazine, and pr type stuff [as in the brochure and president's report]. it's good stuff.

the other biggest thing is my move across town this week. i signed a new lease yesterday and have been moving a little at a time so far, which means i haven't moved much at all. saturday is my big move in day. i've got some of my family coming to carry all of my big furniture up the road a ways [well, at least load it on and off the truck]. i will also officially inherit hamlet and franky. i have mixed feelings about them living with me, most of which stems from my sadness for them. they have to go from country to city, open spaces to tiny apartment. sad day, but i'll be happy to have a little company when i come home.

business is a little slow this month, but it will be better next month. i have faith it will all work out, because i have yet to miss any kind of payment on anything. blessed, i most certainly am. i just keep praying it goes on that way. school starts at the end of the month. my LAST year. wow. it's so hard to believe. don't ask about anything beyond next year. the simple answer is that i have lots of options and no decision making power. so, the future remains a mystery.

so.... that's my current life in a nutshell. the. end.

-lovingly-
k

pages to fill.

2007-07-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

today, i wrote. it's such a small sentence for such a big act. i forgot how good it feels to actually write, just for me, on a pad of paper with a pencil making those swishing sounds as it moves against the grain. I wasn't penning vicariously though a keyboard and computer screen or letting it out in small conversational bursts. It was just me in my office with a legal pad and a pencil. It was amazing.

it was so nice to have this sheet of paper right in front of me containing all of my crazy put concisely in sentence form. now i can do whatever i want with it. lock it up forever. rip it into teeny, tiny little pieces. or even put it on the floor and dance on top of it victoriously. it's tangible, and you can do whatever you please with it.

and once that pile of crazy is neatly formed on lines of notebook paper, it is easier to sort through. you can answer the questions you've found, or maybe just figure out which questions really need answering, or you can just let it out and forget about it forever. all i know is that i have to do that more often.

400 miles.

2007-07-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

today i sat down in my car and stared at the meter showing me a full tank for at least 5 minutes. i sat there and thought of just how many places could a full tank of gas take me. i could make it to another state even with hopes of making it to anothr state of mind. i have never wanted to leave a place so badly as i have wanted to leave here today. there have been so many things happening in my life the last week or so, and most of them i could definitely do without. i've gotten bad news, been yelled at for no reason, been sick, and have had the very core of me insulted. i have never felt so numb and so hurt at the same time. just give me an open road and a reason to go. i'm ready to leave everything behind.

packrat.

2007-07-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

i'm a packrat. and i mean that in the sense that it applies to just about every area of my life. i hold on to old possessions whether or not they have any monetary or sentimental value. i hold on to other things like problems or emotions and whatnot. i hold on to people and to experiences and to so many other things.

it was just recently that i have discovered why. i like options. i like to know that something is out there waiting on me. it's out there for the sole purpose of being helpful to me. possessions, some people, and some good and/or hurtful experiences. it is just so easy to hang on to things when you think you have so much room. then all of a sudden, you're overflowing with things that you know you will never use or haven't even seen in years. but you just can't let it go because one day you just might need that one thing.

i hate letting go more than so many things. dreams and people are the hardest to let go of because those are closer to your heart than many others. it hurts, and i think i'm terrible at letting that hurt show. not to flaunt it or get sympathy, but to draw nearer to others that are still in my life or to help others find their way in their lives by being an example. some days when i sit down to think about all of the times i have had to give up something, i feel overwhelmed with sadness and hurt and confusion. the question you always want to ask is "why," but that question only brings more confusion. you start to feel as though all you do is give, and you get nothing for yourself.

that eternal perspective is tough when all you see is the immediate that may be filled with pain. that's where i am right now. i am trying to look forward to the prize at the end of the race.

perspective: lost and found.

2007-06-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

well, there is just nothing like an evening with cca to give me a little perspective. first of all, i miss those people and those times so much! second of all, just getting the opportunity to spend time in a place where you just felt God's hand so present is amazing. you start to forget what that feels like sometimes. the altar was so crowded that the old staffers that were there had to go up to help counsel, and sometimes there is nothing like helping someone else draw nearer to God to help you do so. last night gave me perspective on why i do [or don't do] certain things, and why i am the way i am. there is a purpose for all of that, and there are times when i lose sight of that fact and get all caught up in other things. my determination had started to fade, but now i think i regained a little momentum. thanks.

it was so great to see everybody, and i miss them like crazy even more now! i thought it would help the withdrawal, but i think it just made it worse. i'm just pray that next summer i will get to spend my time doing what i love most! have a terrific summer, friends!

-lovingly-
k

writing for the sake of hearing my keyboard.

2007-06-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

i just feel like writing right now. no particular thing to say. just writing. i have a busy week ahead of me. it starts with busy saturday... orchard, wine tasting [which i'm really looking forward to], and malissa's birthday party at side street. i hardly think i can stand all of the excitement. then sunday it's just work, but then it's back to commerce to get completely set for my cheer camp the next week. i have to start choreographing at it kind of sneaked up on me. so i have to come up with all of that among the excitement of the weekend.

let me tell you this camp has drained me. i have been working on shirts and shorts and uniforms and everything. but i can't really be complaining because i'm doing what i love. you really can't beat that. on the upside we picked up 2 more girls in the last 2 weeks. that is amazing. now we have six, 3 older and 3 younger. so underneath the stress i am really starting to get excited.

i am kind of starting wish i had a daytime job. it would give me something to do, but i will be alright eating and sleeping and being lazy during the day. really. i'm sure i'll manage. and now, i will wrap all of this up. i know that if you've made it this far, you're probably thinking that i need to shut up now. so, i will. much love.

have a blessed day!

-lovingly-
k

everywhere.

2007-06-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

so today... i was kinda feeling bad about my legs. They're getting a little jiggly and what-not. i go to wal-mart to pick up my prescription, and i was in work clothes [soffe shorts, a t-shirt, and flip-flops]. this little old lady was behind me in line and when i was leaving she told me that i had the nicest legs and that i was "just darlin'." it was so sweet, and even though it was a shallow and vain thing to be feeling badly about [the jiggly legs] it was just what i needed. it's just funny how things happen like that. i've been blessed more in wal-mart this year than anywhere else. so, if you're wondering, God is everywhere... even in wal-mart.

-lovingly-
k

ah, summertime.

2007-06-04T09:42:00.000-07:00

it smells like chlorine and sounds like the clanking of dominoes, the mexican train kind. so far, this summer has been good.

business is less than booming but going nonetheless. continue the prayers for a little more growth. we just need one or two more girls to make a real team. well, that and a little more cooperation from them as far as attendance goes.

the days are long and boring, but the nights are relaxing and filled with laughter. i love my friends, and i am so glad that i get this last summer with them. we play dominoes, hang out by the pool, and surf on see-saws. they also feed me sometimes, which is a quality i really enjoy.

i started at the orchard last weekend, and while most complain about that job i really don't mind it. now that we don't really have to deal with setting up the stuff it's better [for me anyway]. i'm getting better at talking to people there these days, but i don't enjoy having to stand up so long [neither does my back]. but it pays, so it works for me.

i found an apartment to move into at the end of the summer that is way cheaper than my current one. it also allows pets so my dear dog, hamlet, gets to come live with me too. that will be great. hopefully she'll call for me to put down my deposit this afternoon. i really just lucked into that one. a-mazing. i also lucked into the money for the deposit. well, i guess i should say i have been blessed beyond measure in every way.

i'm just working, relaxing, and laughing my way through the summer. i'm counting down those 6 long weeks until vacation with all of those fantastic friends of mine. it's looking like a good summer. just say "ah."

have a blessed day!

-lovingly-
k

wow.

2007-05-16T21:28:00.001-07:00

my dearest friends--

i know you've been missing me and my constant updates on my life recently so i thought to myself, "self, you shouldn't neglect your duties any longer."

so here i am, in front of the computer trying to figure out all of the things that i need to tell you guys. and, naturally, it all leaves my head the moment i start typing. so i shall do my best.

last semester turned out wonderfully. i made all a's [which if you had media law, ethics, and internship in one semester too, you'd be impressed]. work is starting to look up. i finished in the media relations office for the semester. i got several stories on the website and got to help with the new ad campaign for the university too. i'm excited to go back there in the fall, and it helped me kind of find my strength in my writing. also, my new business is slowly picking up. currently our all star squad is small, but it should be building up soon. we also have some great opportunities opening up to work with squads in the area. as far as a personal life, well, that's about the same. i have kind of been fighting with myself lately, but i know what to do. no need to fight, just surrender. i know what i need, and i know what i'm looking for. and i know that settling will just hurt more than being alone for a little while. my friends are the bomb too.

with everything happening, i am just constantly amazed at how God continues to prove his faithfulness to me even when i show him over and over how unfaithful i am. his grace is unbelievable, and he just keeps on giving. i'm really working on trying to give too and live to please him. i know that i can't ever match his count, but i know that he never expected me too. amazing grace, indeed.

so, in short, life is good. i am doing quite well. and God is good all the time.

-lovingly-
k

the rundown.

2007-04-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

okie dokie. so much has happened lately.

let's start with the biggest piece of news. as some of you know, the gym i work at was having a lady come in to start a cheer program. turns out that this lady is flaky and it just falls apart. it just fell apart last week. well, after so much thinking and so much prayer i decided to take matters into my own hands and do it myself. i am bringing mj into it so she can help me, and we are starting a new all-star team in sulphur springs [so tell your young cheerleader friends]. there you go. we don't have a name yet or anything. in fact, we just decided yesterday and are having to move insanely fast with everything. so please keep us in your prayers and the program as well. we are essentially starting our own business, and that is no small task.

in other news, i made cheerleader for A&M-Commerce, but i probably won't be able to do it now because of my own cheer program. which is okay. i was excited about cheering, but now i am really about to live one of my dreams. so that is even more exciting.

other than all of this cheerleading not much is happening. i am almost done with this school year, and i will only have one more to go. i am working at the orchard on weekends this summer, so if you want fresh fruit, i'm your gal. that's just about all i believe.

have a blessed day!

-lovingly-
k

oh, you know, musings.

2007-03-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

today i felt like i'm starting to get the hang of life. i know that means i'm not going to feel that way very long.

monday i get to ask a congressman some questions, and i don't know what i'm going to ask him. pressure.

i'm starting to come around to the thought that i just might be a writer [in some capacity] for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean that that's all i have to be. [cue light bulb]

i'm gonna wait for the extraordinary, no matter how much i want to settle sometimes.

it's official. i will be a fifth-year senior for the whole year. and i'm hoping it goes quickly.

i lack courage, but i'm getting there. slooooowly.

i'm thinking of cheering next year. i have to decide if i miss it that much.

on this night, friday night, i'm going to bed early. way early. i'm tired.

my internet is being ridiculous, so i apologize if you feel i've neglected our internet friendship in any way.

i'm pretty much out of things to say. perhaps more sometime soon.

have a blessed day!

-lovingly-
k

p.s. i am currently searching for cheaper living arrangements. suggestions welcome. roommates welcome. call me.

highway eighty.

2007-03-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

earlier this week i drove to wills point, a place very dear to me from my childhood years. my journey started down highway eighty. you might as well have called it memory lane. i drove past so many places that were almost replaying my memories right before my eyes. it was amazing really, and even thinking about it now i can't help but smile just a little bit.

it starts by driving past ham's orchard where i worked for the better part of one summer. that's where i learned to pick out good fruit, how to deal with old people, and the value of good peach ice cream. even those who drove the train by the stand knew that stopping was worth it just for the ice cream. people come in buses to have really good fruit carried out with a smile [and an aching back]. it's good stuff.

then you drive through the big curves on your way to elmo. you go underneath the bridge where when i was a kid i was told you had to hold your breath when passing beneath it in hopes that it wouldn't fall on your head.

next comes the fina station. which now is actually a phillips sixty-six, but to me and my family will always be the fina. that's how you know you've made it to elmo, that little speck on the map that i spent some great years in. then there are some of the familiar other places like aunt kate's barbeque and the fireworks stand and the feed store and more.

after that come the houses. this one older man used to let us [us being my neighborhood friends, my sister, and i] play in his trees. we had many a clubhouse in many a tree. i even saw the really big tree that my older friends and i had our secret club in. i remember that i lied and said i was one place and really we were at that tree. they thought i had run away, and my mom came home from work early just crying and then she got mad and grounded me. i was ungrounded [if that's the right word] by the next morning. the lesson is not to lie, kids. the next house you pass is lance's old house. lance was one of kelsey's first boyfriends [thanks to jason, neighborhood boy, and i--at least i think his name was jason]. we would play at his house a lot because he lived next door to my grandfather, and we lived with my grandfather at the time. our families would carpool.

the next house is my grandfather's, my pepaw. i could say so many things about that house. i loved that playhouse he built for us. i remember vividly playing on the swing set and running around in his trees pretending that i knew how to use a compass. there was also the time when i was stranded in my treehouse because there was a snake at the bottom of my ladder. i don't know what we would have done without roy lee there to get rid of it, one way or another. driving the go cart in the back and being thrown out of it by my little sister's first drive. seeing our welded bethlehem star in the christmas season. family reunions and playing blitz with the grown-ups and winning are also among my favorite memories there. playing crack the egg on our rectangular trampoline, and exploring everywhere and asking questions so that i could write my own little news stories. i guess i was always a reporter. now the house is the home of not just my pepaw but my older sister malissa and her husband and their dogs. i'm glad to know that it will be part of our family for a long time.

after pepaw's house, we pass good old estate lane. home of max and pat along with their annual nativity scene, and the infamous trailer we used to live in, a regular lap of luxury. it had a whole wall of windows in the living room, and when it rained the front yard was one big puddle. mr. kitty, our cat, would sit on the roof when it rained. he refused to move when we did. i bet he's still around there sitting on rooftops in the pouring rain.

later we come to the place of my early education, wills point i.s.d. it brought back a lot too...walking to school, riding the bus, my childhood best friends, and so much more. even though i didn't get to go into the schools that i went to, i did get to see the new high school. now it's not so new, but i think i will always call it that. it reminds of malissa's high school graduation and running from the stadium to the gym in the torrents of rain while pepaw is holding me and our umbrella is turning inside out. goodness, we were cold during the whole ceremony. at the new high school, i also saw some old family friends. everyone is growing up so quickly. it's amazing to me how many years i have already lived.

though just a 20-30 minute drive from my home, it was almost like traveling into a whole different world. my memories were relived right before my eyes. i will always hold them dear. i wish everyone a happy childhood. and if you didn't get one, don't worry. there is still time. you know what they say, growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. thank goodness for options.

in honor of ole saint patrick.

2007-03-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

"I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity.
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness
Of the Creator of creation.

I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism,
Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,
Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension,
Through the strength of his descent for the judgment of Doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of cherubim,
In obedience of angels,
In the service of archangels,
In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In prayers of patriarchs,
In predictions of prophets,
In preaching of apostles,
In faith of confessors,
In innocence of holy virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven:
Light of sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of sea,
Stability of earth,
Frimness of rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to save me
From snares of devils,
From temptations of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone and in multitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and those evils,
Against every cruel, merciless power that may oppose my body and soul,
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom,
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.

Christ to shield me today
Against poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against wounding,S
o that there may come to me abundance of reward.
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of creation."

--saint patrick's breastplate

clouds.

2007-03-16T10:44:00.000-07:00

some days i wish that the way clear, and that i am not just standing here watching the sky waiting for the cloud to move so that i may follow.

be still, surrender. that's the voice in my heart.

the cloud moves in good time. and it moves me just far enough. it's the waiting that hurts.

this time around...

2007-03-12T12:42:00.000-07:00

this time around...

i feel like a stranger in a familiar place.

i'm sad that most of my friends are gone already.

i miss living in the bustling kay dee house.

i kinda enjoy the peace of my own place.

i want something amazing, and i'm determined not to settle.

i'm not in such a rush to graduate.

graduation is still coming quickly on my heels with less than a year to go.

i'm sad that i don't get to spend as much time on campus or with people.

i'm glad that i don't have to spend 15 hours a week in the panhellenic office making decisions about silly things. [oh the pressure]

however, i miss that panhellenic president meant free lunch once every 2 weeks.

i miss having a say.

i like not having the pressure of having a say.

i like to surprise people that don't know i'm back.

i like it when people are happy to see me after so long.

i'm walking the walk for the right reasons.

i miss ouachita some days.

i'm going to enjoy life a little more.

this time around.

just a few things about me... lately

2007-03-06T11:12:00.000-08:00

i'm missing [no, craving] community of late. i need it desperately.

in everything i do i have begun to examine not just the actions or thoughts but the motivations behind them.

discerning God's will can be both the easiest and the hardest thing. right now, it's the hardest.

much of my life is spent in auto-pilot mode. not such a good thing.

i'm currently thinking of moving to seattle post-graduation. but only a thought it most likely will remain. perhaps not.

i don't think i'm cut out for the hardcore journalism thing. perhaps i should have pursued the pr angle a little more. oh, well.

i am still very much a writer nonetheless.

i'm trying to be more open to people. it takes time. shyness doesn't disappear overnight unfortunately.

i wish i knew my next step.

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME.

God is faithful when i am not.

i'm giving up dr. pepper and watching less tv.

that just gives me more time to think, as if i needed any.

i'm sorting out my selfish ambitions.

i love this weather. it's pretty much perfect.

i should have thought it through more when i said i missed being to busy to breathe.

i am trying to banish all "what-ifs" from my mind and my heart.

i am working on being transformed rather than conformed.

i am finding my own faith.

communication is a pitfall of mine.

i am seeing the already/not-fully aspects of my life quite clearly.

everyone should listen to the relevant magazine podcast. it's awesome.

i have discovered that my right foot is the one that trips me up at least twice a day.

my goal this weekend is to clean like a mad woman.

have a blessed day.

-lovingly-
k

take it to the top.

2007-02-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

no lie, a girl that i was helping get ready for tryouts said that tonight. i just about fell over with laughter. it made me remember cca. i'm missing you all.

i'm pretty sure that my romanian co-worker doesn't get me. i think he thinks i sit around in my apartment all day. if only he knew...

lately i've been more at peace. and i like it that way.

i'm ready. but i'm not sure what it is that i am ready for.

pizza is no longer my friend.

who got up early to work out this morning? me. and who's gonna do it tomorrow too? me.

i know you're surprised about that last one.

my old lady tendencies resurfaced this evening. stupid hip.

i heart girl scout cookies. for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. [my nutritions professor would be so proud.]

long showers are the bomb.

that is all.

have a blessed day, my darlings!

-lovingly-
k

let me introduce myself to you.

2007-02-16T08:48:00.002-08:00

i hope you stare just long enough to see
the heart that's beating inside of me
beyond all of the things you may think you know
i'm just a kid trying to make it home, that's it
no more, no less

--mercyme

2007-01-15T15:43:00.000-08:00

it's cold outside, and that makes work dull.

i'm fairly certain that my stomach hates me.

my tivo is just about running. yay.

class starts tomorrow. weird.

i need to start working out. really. i mean it this time.

my car door was frozen shut again this morning. good times.

i bought school supplies today. again, weird.

i think after graduation i may move far away.

why? because i wanna.

to do what? who knows.

maybe seattle. just so i can work in a coffee shop and play in the rain.

my hands are always cold.

stephanie's puppy likes me too much. truly.

i crave community today.

it's cold inside too.

have a blessed day.

-lovingly-
k

courage.

2007-01-10T12:13:00.000-08:00

i have so many things to write, but so little time [or energy] to do so. but the gist of all of it is this.

i don't know if i'm brave enough to be [or even attempt to be] the person i could, should, or want to be.

-lovingly-
k

another year.

2006-12-31T22:52:00.000-08:00

happy new year, dear ones. maybe this year i'll figure out a few more things... maybe.

-lovingly-
k

i've got a newsflash for you.

2006-12-11T12:09:00.000-08:00

that title would be really funny if you were there this weekend. but i'll catch you up on the likes of me.

so... i got to go to california again this weekend for the santa maria regional. it didn't start off all that great since i almost missed my flight out there. my sister and i were simply brilliant and misjudged our time and i got there about 30 minutes before the plane was to take off. then the machine said it couldn't find my reservation, then i had to wait and get pat down at security, then i had to run from terminal c to terminal a. thankfully, one of those men with the big golf cart things was kind enough to take me there. i got on the plane just in time. it was a harrowing experience. the flight out there was pretty good.

i love airplanes. my favorite part is take-off and getting up to our cruising altitude. it's so beautiful looking down on big cities and suburbs and even the wide open country spaces. but that's a side bar.

then my plane got in a few minutes early to los angeles, and shane met me at the airport. we began our long drive out to santa maria. with mountains to our right and ocean to our left. california is nice. when we got there the mats were already unloaded, so we really didn't have anything to do for a couple of hours. it was then that i finally got to see cars [no thanks to stephanie :)]. it was funny. people are so creative. after meeting with the other cheerleaders who were going to help us we went to the store and got quesadilla stuff. it was good.

we then sat down to watch csi:miami there was some kind of marathon on. it was then that we discovered a whole new perspective on the show, which was to view it not as a serious drama but rather as a[n unintentional] comedy. now i'm pretty sure that's the only way i can ever watch that show. daniel arrived during the marathon and joined us in our poking fun at the writing from the show. it was jolly good fun.

the next day was the camp/competition. and everything that might have been able to go wrong pretty much did, but we ended doing quite well. we cleaned up and helped shane re-pack and then were starting to take our separate ways. i went to bed early because daniel and i had to get up early to go to lax. and that we did.

on our trip i learned that i talk like the people from dawson's creek and that my add gets the better of me when trying to listen to the words of a song [thus being unable to derive its proper meaning]. once at lax, everything went fairly smoothly.

on the plane i switched seats with this bigger guy because he was all crowded in a row, and then the flight attendent let me sit in the last row pretty much all to myself. it was nice. in my original seat i was sitting almost right behind andy dick [of news radio and i think he was in employee of the month more recently, but i didn't see that movie]. he came to dallas to see the mavericks play the lakers this week and was in coach because he said he had to pay for this flight himself. he ended up across the aisle from me in the last row of the plane. nobody really had any conversations with him, but little congenial chatter on occassion, especially while those of us in the back were waiting to get off of the plane. it was cool, even though i'm not a big fan.

overall it was a good trip. it's always good to get to catch up with old friends and meet new ones. this was long, but pretty inclusive of my weekend. hope you had a good one as well.

-lovingly-
k

secret.

2006-12-03T12:32:00.000-08:00

i think i found my happy place. and i'm not telling you.

-lovingly-
k

baby, it's cold outside.

2006-11-30T14:33:00.000-08:00

yesterday it was near 80 degrees. today, it is below freezing, which brought us something that is rarely seen in these parts... snow. but not just any snow, snow that sticks!

it is quite an amazing phenomenon. the wind is blowing and the temperature makes your fingers numb and your work cancelled. fabulous. i donned my biggest, heaviest sweatshirt and jeans and tennis shoes and decided to face it head on. i step outside, desperate for groceries, i check my mailbox [empty as usual] and then off to my car door. it unlocks smoothly, and then... the door is unopenable due to the ice everywhere. so now, here i sit. writing to you. because i am unable to go anywhere else. makes for a great story.

at least it's snowing. it's so beautiful.

-lovingly-
k

missing.

2006-11-26T15:40:00.001-08:00

things I miss:

an arm around my waist.
cheering.
hannah.
kay dee.
a hand to hold.
community.
new episodes of monk.
cca.
being too busy to breathe [sometimes].
girls' nights.
being part of a team.
mexican train dominoes.
2440.
justin anderson's laugh.
my six pack abs.
campus picture night.
the ghetto at night.
my silver dangly earrings.
just one more episode of the oc.
christmas lights in my room.
and more.

-lovingly-
k

here. today.

2006-11-22T15:54:00.000-08:00

commerce is like a ghost town on this thanksgiving eve. unless, of course, you count the grocery stores. i've never seen the brookshire's parking lot more crowded. their sign boasted of free turkey. that is a good deal. wal-mart was a zoo as well. i, being the genius [with a capital "j"] that i am, decided to go to wal-mart around 5. i was in search of a texas longhorn t-shirt for friday night's festivities. it seems that commerce is more of an aggie town. not that i should be that surprised, i do attend texas a&m-commerce. like i said, i'm a real winner in the brains department.

i'm lazy and a little lonely too. however, my neighbor is definitely not the latter [as to the former i cannot attest]. the guy always has visitors in the evening time, and they're a little on the loud side, sometimes. but i am happy that he has a good time. good for him.

i have molina's on my shirt, more specifically quesadilla grease. i got a lunch upgrade with a happy kitchen mistake. instead of regular chicken they accidentally gave me the fajita chicken, which i prefer but the extra dollar to pay is just intolerable, really. anyhow, that's pretty much been the exciting part of the day [which if you knew my history with food at restaurants, you would know that it really is exciting].

i should clean. that's why i am lazy. i have clean dishes in the dishwasher and clothes on my bedroom floor. i seem to lack in the motivation department too. i'll do it. i have to. soon, very soon... well, soon.

friday is the texas vs. a&m game [hence, the great t-shirt search]. party at peebs' house. be there. i heard rumor of margaritas. and any opportunity to watch texas whoop [that is a very technical and intellectual term] on a&m is bound to be a good time. lovely.

i suppose that is enough of my random musings.

have a fabulous thanksgiving, all!

-lovingly-

mystery.

2006-11-21T18:37:00.000-08:00

do you ever feel like everyone has it figured out but you?

yeah... me neither.