nostalgia.

Remember those days when I used to blog every day? I miss it. Ithink i just miss writing and quoting and sharing, but I also used to share Bible verses everyday. This was my way of being accountable for my Bible reading and sharing the wonderful words of God with my friends.

I think I may start doing that again, the verses, that is. And I'll try to blog more often. It's not really for you. I don't suppose people really care that much about anything I write in here. It's mostly for me, therapy and what-not. It's cheaper than the real thing [haha]. So here are today's verses.

Somehow, I've ended up back in the Psalms, which is where I started when I last posted verses every day. It is still one of my favorite books, simply for the honesty and emotion in them. You can't help but be moved by them. And these verses really struck me today.

Psalm 119: 174-176

I long for your salvation, O Lord, and Your law is my delight. Let my soul live that it may praise You, and let Your ordinances help me. I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek Your servant, for I do not forget Your commandments.

Okay. So here's what I love about these verses. They show David's innate longing for the Lord, especially with regard to His word/law. The more David knows of God's word, the more he lives for and seeks God, and the more his heart desires to be with him. God's word is his "delight," and it helps him love and praise the Lord. It increases David's desire for the Lord so much so that he wants his soul to "live that it may praise" God. I think that may be my prayer today and perhaps always, that my soul may live to praise God.

Is there really any other life to be had?

-lovingly-
k

extraordinary love.

"We must grow in love and in order to do this we must go on loving and loving and giving and giving until it hurts-- the way Jesus did. Do ordinary things with extraordinary love."

--Mother Theresa

wow. when you think about the love that God has for us, and the amazing ways in which He's shown it to us, through Jesus, through people, through life. i can't help but be just speechless and in awe of my Creator and Master. it makes me love Him even more. and i am so thankful that He chose me to be an instrument of His love as one of His children and that He has given me so many people to love. i only pray that i learn to do so more deeply and more extraordinarily as He does for me each moment.

i am so blessed to be so loved.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." [amen.]

-The Apostle Paul, Ephesians 3:14-19, NIV

-lovingly-

k

so much food. so little time.

everyone knows of my enthusiasm for the great state fair of texas. in fact, i believe that around this time last year i wrote an entire blog solely dedicated to it. and after being asked this year by a canadian fellow what i would eat at the fair, i decided to dedicate another blog to just that after his suggestion for making a list.

so here is my list of the top ten new foods that i am hoping to try at the fair this year [in no particular order].

1) chicken fried bacon- how can you make bacon better? batter it and fry it again, of course.
2) deep fried s'mores- the campfire classic has been taken a step further, and who doesn't like fried things, really?
3) fried chocolate truffles- i don't think this needs an explanation
4) chocolate covered strawberry waffle balls- fried chocolate covered strawberries. yum-o, as rachael ray would say.
5) texas barbeque egg rolls- i decided that i didn't need to try just sweets this year, so i'm balancing it with texas barbeque.
6) fried apple iPie and deep fried apple bites- i love fruit-filled fried pies (thank you, ham's), so this seemed like a no-brainer to me.
7) beefy fried queso bites- it's like cheese dip, fried. c'mon.
8) fried cake on a stick- this one could go either way, but i'm going to be optimistic.
9) mini chicken fried steak slider- what balances sweets out better than gravy?
10) dessert shooters- miniature desserts. just enough at the end of the day to top it all off. besides i needed at least one non-fried item.

of course, there are some other foods that are just tradition for me to eat at the fair. i always start with a turkey leg (i recommend sharing, pace yourself). corny dogs are good around lunch time. fletcher's is the only way to go. fried cheesecake is a newer tradition, but is on it's way to being one of my favorites. it's amazing. and at the end of the day, nothing beats a funnel cake. i recommend sharing this too. you'll likely be too full from all of the food you've eatent the rest of the day.

it may seem like a lot of food, but i figure if you're walking around the fair all day long it's bound to balance out somehow, right? well, i hope this may have helped some of you. if not, at least it gave me a chance to make a plan of attack for my day at the great state fair of texas.

just words.

So I had a blog all written out, and the internet wouldn't let me post it. I lost it all. Sad day, I know. So now that I've gotten over it, I decided that instead of using my words, perhaps I'd have better luck with someone else's. So here are Baz Luhrmann's words. Some funny, most wise, and here for your enjoyment. So enjoy! -lovingly-k

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future,sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,

whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience

I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked, you are not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,

the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind,

the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults,

if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life,

the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,

Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary

What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either

Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it,

or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Brother and sister together we'll make it through

Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurtin,

but I've been waitin' to be there for you

And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Get to know your parents,

you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings,

they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,

but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle

because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard,

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,

you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you.

Maybe you have a trust fund, Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,

wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen

Brother and sister together we'll make it through

Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there

I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you

And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can

Everybody's free oh yeah

summer update.

hello, my dears.

i suppose it's been quite a long time, but since graduation i have been quite a busy bee working one place after the other.

i am crazy excited about all that God has done this summer so far. i can just see Him working in my life and the lives of so many people around me, and i can't wait to see where He's going to take us and how He's going to use us this summer in CCA and just other people i know.

i've been in NC for 2 weeks now, and i have learned so much. mostly, God has shown me that He hears my prayers and He answers them. i can't begin to list all the answered prayers i've seen in that short time, but to Him be the glory for all of those things.

it's been kind of hard since i've kind of had to relearn all of those cheerleading things that i haven't done in years, but the best thing is that i feel like there are some areas where i am almost better than i was at my best. it's exciting to get to be a part of things that i didn't get to before. cca has been such a blessing in my life, and even though it takes me away from my loved ones (who i miss so much) i know it's all for a great purpose.

i feel ready and scared this time around. i'm also more homesick too. i guess it's just because last time i had so much that i was running away from, but that's not the case now. our them is "completely," the importance of loving God with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength. and i am finally learning to give up those things that i hold on to so much. this morning i had a nice little quiet, cry time with God and just gave it to Him. and i can't tell you how much peace i have felt since then.

so that's really the basic summary of everything so far. please keep me and all of the staff here in your prayers. we leave for florida tomorrow (sunday morning) and start our first camp on tuesday. then i come back to NC for about a day and leave for costa rica for our first cheerleading mission trip with cca.

thanks for all of your prayers so far! have a great day/week/summer!

-lovingly-
k

failure.

I wrote this not long ago, but didn't post it. But now I am.

Lately, I’ve been thinking, which is not unusual for me, as I tend to overanalyze just about everything that happens, but here's where this particular train of thought started.

Two days ago I was playing sand volleyball at a barbecue, and I was so worried that I would be terrible or that I would embarrass myself or my team with my less than enviable volleyball skills (just ask my high school coach, I wasn't very good). That got me thinking. Why do I always feel such pressure to succeed? Was this self-imposed or did someone do this to me?

My conclusion is that it was self-imposed; and although it may have stemmed from elsewhere, I am definitely the one who has perpetuated it. I'm so scared of failure that I rarely even try. You can ask just about anyone that knows me well, and they can testify to this fact. Why don't I play more intramural sports? Because I might fail. Why don't I apply for different scholarships or programs or jobs? Because I might not get them. Why don't I write more in my blog or for anywhere else? Because it might be stupid and worthless.

Somewhere along in my life, I picked up the notion that I was supposed to be seen a certain way at all times. I think part of it stemmed from that "you must be a godly example" mentality that I grew up with. And, indeed, I must be. It’s my responsibility as a Christian. But instead of me being an example for God, I was really just being an example for myself. I took pride in my Christian life. And the truth is that I still do constantly. It’s not just what you do, it's why you do it.

I’m not saying that I wish that I would have just gone off my narrow path and done all the sinning I could while I could claim that I was young and silly and trying to find myself (although some days I feel like that); but, rather, I found that my unwillingness to have others see my faults has made me less accessible. I’ve made myself less of an influence because of it. No one wants to talk to someone who they feel they can’t relate to. And they're right in some ways, I can't relate to all of they’re experiences, but in many ways I can.

I'm human. I sin. I struggle with all of the things that collegians struggle with in their lives when they try to see how far is too far. I thought that by being the person who didn't fail, I could bring people to me who wanted to be like me, but instead all I did was make people feel like I was not on their level. I definitely don't have all the answers, but I wish in the past that I had shown others that I had the same questions and that I had even explored the possibilities.

At church we’ve been talking about the characteristics of spiritually influential people, and I have always wanted to be one. One of the characteristics is transparency. Let them see that you’ve failed, but that you’re forgiven and that you’re not letting your failure keep you from moving forward and growing. That will show them that God can love people just like them, people that fail, people that make mistakes constantly, people that could never live up to His expectations. Let’s face it. None of us meet those expectations, and none of us can ever meet those expectations. We’re all in the same sinking ship until God comes along to rescue us.

But instead of showing people how much God's love means to me and how much it has changed my life, I showed them how much my love for myself and my reputation means to me. And, ironically, that may be my greatest failure so far.

scattered thoughts.

oh, today. it's been a weird kind of emotional day.

i'm just tired. not in a physical sense, but just plain tired.

weary is the word.

constantly feeling as though i need to defend myself and my decisions.

i'm even defending them to myself sometimes.

feeling separated. likely self-induced at least in part.

ready to leave commerce, and not ready to leave commerce.

not sure if i can take the heartbreak of it again.

thus bringing the self-induced separation.

gotta love defense mechanisms.

choosing paths.

uncertainty and judgment all around.

i guess today it all just hit me at once.

and yesterday was such a good day too.

i suppose my bottle-it-up approach doesn't always work the way it's intended to. haha.

right now i'm gonna try the "be still and know that I am God" approach.

that one never fails.

i'm free of all of this. now i should just live like it.

here's to a better day!

-lovingly-
k