just words.

So I had a blog all written out, and the internet wouldn't let me post it. I lost it all. Sad day, I know. So now that I've gotten over it, I decided that instead of using my words, perhaps I'd have better luck with someone else's. So here are Baz Luhrmann's words. Some funny, most wise, and here for your enjoyment. So enjoy! -lovingly-k

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future,sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,

whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience

I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked, you are not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,

the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind,

the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults,

if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life,

the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,

Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary

What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either

Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it,

or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Brother and sister together we'll make it through

Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurtin,

but I've been waitin' to be there for you

And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Get to know your parents,

you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings,

they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,

but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle

because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard,

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,

you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you.

Maybe you have a trust fund, Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,

wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen

Brother and sister together we'll make it through

Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there

I know you've been hurtin, but I've been waitin' to be there for you

And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can

Everybody's free oh yeah

summer update.

hello, my dears.

i suppose it's been quite a long time, but since graduation i have been quite a busy bee working one place after the other.

i am crazy excited about all that God has done this summer so far. i can just see Him working in my life and the lives of so many people around me, and i can't wait to see where He's going to take us and how He's going to use us this summer in CCA and just other people i know.

i've been in NC for 2 weeks now, and i have learned so much. mostly, God has shown me that He hears my prayers and He answers them. i can't begin to list all the answered prayers i've seen in that short time, but to Him be the glory for all of those things.

it's been kind of hard since i've kind of had to relearn all of those cheerleading things that i haven't done in years, but the best thing is that i feel like there are some areas where i am almost better than i was at my best. it's exciting to get to be a part of things that i didn't get to before. cca has been such a blessing in my life, and even though it takes me away from my loved ones (who i miss so much) i know it's all for a great purpose.

i feel ready and scared this time around. i'm also more homesick too. i guess it's just because last time i had so much that i was running away from, but that's not the case now. our them is "completely," the importance of loving God with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength. and i am finally learning to give up those things that i hold on to so much. this morning i had a nice little quiet, cry time with God and just gave it to Him. and i can't tell you how much peace i have felt since then.

so that's really the basic summary of everything so far. please keep me and all of the staff here in your prayers. we leave for florida tomorrow (sunday morning) and start our first camp on tuesday. then i come back to NC for about a day and leave for costa rica for our first cheerleading mission trip with cca.

thanks for all of your prayers so far! have a great day/week/summer!

-lovingly-
k

failure.

I wrote this not long ago, but didn't post it. But now I am.

Lately, I’ve been thinking, which is not unusual for me, as I tend to overanalyze just about everything that happens, but here's where this particular train of thought started.

Two days ago I was playing sand volleyball at a barbecue, and I was so worried that I would be terrible or that I would embarrass myself or my team with my less than enviable volleyball skills (just ask my high school coach, I wasn't very good). That got me thinking. Why do I always feel such pressure to succeed? Was this self-imposed or did someone do this to me?

My conclusion is that it was self-imposed; and although it may have stemmed from elsewhere, I am definitely the one who has perpetuated it. I'm so scared of failure that I rarely even try. You can ask just about anyone that knows me well, and they can testify to this fact. Why don't I play more intramural sports? Because I might fail. Why don't I apply for different scholarships or programs or jobs? Because I might not get them. Why don't I write more in my blog or for anywhere else? Because it might be stupid and worthless.

Somewhere along in my life, I picked up the notion that I was supposed to be seen a certain way at all times. I think part of it stemmed from that "you must be a godly example" mentality that I grew up with. And, indeed, I must be. It’s my responsibility as a Christian. But instead of me being an example for God, I was really just being an example for myself. I took pride in my Christian life. And the truth is that I still do constantly. It’s not just what you do, it's why you do it.

I’m not saying that I wish that I would have just gone off my narrow path and done all the sinning I could while I could claim that I was young and silly and trying to find myself (although some days I feel like that); but, rather, I found that my unwillingness to have others see my faults has made me less accessible. I’ve made myself less of an influence because of it. No one wants to talk to someone who they feel they can’t relate to. And they're right in some ways, I can't relate to all of they’re experiences, but in many ways I can.

I'm human. I sin. I struggle with all of the things that collegians struggle with in their lives when they try to see how far is too far. I thought that by being the person who didn't fail, I could bring people to me who wanted to be like me, but instead all I did was make people feel like I was not on their level. I definitely don't have all the answers, but I wish in the past that I had shown others that I had the same questions and that I had even explored the possibilities.

At church we’ve been talking about the characteristics of spiritually influential people, and I have always wanted to be one. One of the characteristics is transparency. Let them see that you’ve failed, but that you’re forgiven and that you’re not letting your failure keep you from moving forward and growing. That will show them that God can love people just like them, people that fail, people that make mistakes constantly, people that could never live up to His expectations. Let’s face it. None of us meet those expectations, and none of us can ever meet those expectations. We’re all in the same sinking ship until God comes along to rescue us.

But instead of showing people how much God's love means to me and how much it has changed my life, I showed them how much my love for myself and my reputation means to me. And, ironically, that may be my greatest failure so far.

scattered thoughts.

oh, today. it's been a weird kind of emotional day.

i'm just tired. not in a physical sense, but just plain tired.

weary is the word.

constantly feeling as though i need to defend myself and my decisions.

i'm even defending them to myself sometimes.

feeling separated. likely self-induced at least in part.

ready to leave commerce, and not ready to leave commerce.

not sure if i can take the heartbreak of it again.

thus bringing the self-induced separation.

gotta love defense mechanisms.

choosing paths.

uncertainty and judgment all around.

i guess today it all just hit me at once.

and yesterday was such a good day too.

i suppose my bottle-it-up approach doesn't always work the way it's intended to. haha.

right now i'm gonna try the "be still and know that I am God" approach.

that one never fails.

i'm free of all of this. now i should just live like it.

here's to a better day!

-lovingly-
k

i know the plans You have for me.

Last week at church, my preacher was talking about the importance of being willing. He said that God will take a willing person and turn them into a worshiping servant, but the key is being willing, completely, totally giving your life over to Him.

This is something that in the past I have struggled with. I'm a little bit of a control freak, especially when it comes to my life. I like to know where I am going and what I'm doing. There's a comfort in that for me, as for most people. However, it's because of that very reason that God has found it beneficial to keep me from knowing such plans. I'm now nearing a very important crossroad in my life. I'm about to graduate college. That's just crazy. I can't believe this day that I've had down in my plans on paper my whole life is just 3 months away. I can barely grasp that in my mind. It is at this point in my journey where everyone asks me what I'm going to do and where I am going to go from here, and in my ignorance all I can say is "I have no idea, but I still have a little time."

Sadly, that time is quickly vanishing. However, I think I have an idea and a vague direction. Everyone tells you to find a job/career that you love and you'll never work a day in your life. So after much deliberation I came to one conclusion. The only job at which I could find myself happy with every day is in the concept of ministry. Yes, I love to write, and I may still get to do that. And yes, I love to cheer and teach cheer and gymnastics and all of that, and I may still get to do that too. That's what's great about ministry is that there are opportunities for so many different vocations within it. But the one place in which I could be happy all of my days is in sharing my wonderful Lord and beautiful Savior with people. That's really what it's all about.

People have told me before that they had seen me moving that direction with my life one day, and I think I knew it too. I just didn't want to take the steps necessary to be that person yet. I ran away from chances to do just that, and sometimes I still regret that. But I also know that I needed that time away to find myself and to find out that where I was going was exactly where I belonged. And last week, I heard that sermon about being willing, and at the end the preacher asked us to think and pray on it and to stand with him if we were, in fact, willing to be transformed into worshiping servants of God. And I did, and I am.

So that being said, I'm applying to seminary for the fall. The decision actually came quite easily to me, which if you knew me would surprise you. So for now it's out of my hands and solely in His, but that's where it should be. After all, it's not my life anyway, it's His.

a choice.

"If you want to be happy, be." --Leo Tolstoy

i've decided something today. i think that happiness is a choice, and from now on i'm going to choose it. i can't make others happy, they have to want to be happy, and i have to want to be happy in order to receive it. if i go into everyday thinking that someone or something else can make me happy, then i won't ever find it. i find joy in the Lord and happiness in myself, and i'm going to try to live by that from now on. i'm choosing happy, and i hope you do as well.

-lovingly-
k

definitely not like garth brooks.

It may seem a funny title, but right now it fits. Here's how. There's a song Garth Brooks sings that practically everyone knows, and rightfully so, it's a good song. It's called "The Dance." My favorite part is the piano at the beginning of the song, but that's a little off topic. The part I'm referring to is when he says, "And now I'm glad I didn't know / The way it all would end / the way it all would go / Our lives are better left to chance / I could have missed the pain / But I'd of had to miss the dance." He's saying that if even if he knew how it all would have turned out, even the fact that it failed and it hurt, he would have done it anyway.

Now me, I'm not that way. I rarely try things that I know I'll be bad at, and I definitely don't do things that I know I'm bad at (which is why I stay away from bowling and softball and basketball and golf and many more things generally). Occasionally there will be an exception to this rule, but it's very rare. I don't like failure. I don't like embarrassment. And I definitely don't like pain. Most things I do in my life are really to avoid these particular circumstances. I think that's a big part of my shyness. What if I say something wrong, or what if they don't like me? Thoughts that frighten me from speaking to just about anyone that I don't know without them speaking first. And believe me, this tendency is usually misinterpreted as snobbery, but in reality it's the opposite, just plain fear.

After many years, I have been able to conquer small parts of this fear. I can be outgoing when I have to be. Let's face it, you can't be a very good journalist without some kind of ability to talk to people and ask questions. So I can do it, but it still scares me. I have to write out every question I can think of and every follow up question and have them sitting right in front of me the whole time, or I forget them all. I often wonder how it's possible I've met anyone throughout my life, but God has been good to me. I know some fabulous people.

So you can only imagine that taking chances is not really a part of my personality. If I can't count on it being a good thing or being successful, then I won't even try to count on it. Why waste the energy worrying about it when I can be certain. However, certainty eludes me quite often. I can probably count 3 decisions that I've made as decisions that I was certain about when I made them, and they all happened within a year of each other.

Making decisions is something I loathe doing. I just can't take the "will it bother someone," "will they agree," "is this really the right thing to do" fight that goes on in my head day after day, moment after moment. Pile that on top of 1,000 other thoughts that are flying through my head at any given second (what can I say, I'm a multi-tasker), and it's enough to make anyone goes crazy.

The problem is that in life, you always have to take chances. Most of them are small, and you don't think twice about them. You probably don't even know you're taking them. You don't notice until the big ones come up. It's in those that you find, at least I do, a capacity for worry you didn't know you had. I don't put myself out there for people or for circumstances, and that also makes life difficult.

So the trouble with chances is that you have to take them, and that means taking the hurt and embarrassment and failure with them sometimes. In the end, all things work to the good of my life. If it were not some of those chances I wouldn't be here at this desk, or know you, or be the person I am today. Being human means messing up sometimes, and it can mean experiencing pain sometimes too. But I know that the pain is really where some of the most beautiful moments come from. So instead of looking forward to the possible hurt, I'm going to look forward to the beauty of life on either side of chance.