here's to life!

i have so many things that i've thought about writing here for you, but i just haven't been able to sit down and write them. i have some kind of writers block, but really it's mostly laziness. once i actually sit down to write it's like a torrential downpour of words. maybe that's why i haven't. i'm afraid of what will come out. however, i have decided [once more] to carry my journal in my purse with me everywhere so that i have a place to jot down whatever comes to mind. anyhoo... if you're reading this, you probably don't care about my journaling habits. so here's what happening lately.

spring break was great. i wish i wasn't sick for the first couple of days, but overall it was very relaxing and lovely. i got about zero school work done. which just means i have a lot to work on this week, especially since my position paper for soteriology is due friday. yeah. call me procrastinator. i just feel no motivation to do those things. it's not like in college or high school where i didn't do them to the last minute because i could. i definitely should not put off these papers, and i start to feel a little bad that i don't put in my best effort, especially since it's seminary. i just keep trying to decide if staying in it right now is what i should do, or should i wait a little longer until i'm settled and such. part of me really wants a great writing job, and that's hard to do with a full or even a half-load there. so please pray for direction. i just don't know where i'm going with school right now, and it kinda drives me crazy.

however, wedding planning is finally coming together. we have the ceremony, reception, and rehearsal dinner locations. we finally have bridesmaid dresses chosen and tuxes picked out. daniel and i chose our wedding bands on saturday too. we've registered. we have a wedding website. my invitations are designed, i just have to change a couple of things and have them printed to send out in a couple of months. i have a dress that i absolutely love! and i have lots of decorating ideas that have to wait a little bit. the photographer is all set. it's finally starting to feel like less work, although i still stress. but that's just me. and basically, i'm so excited and can't wait to start our lives together. i can't believe it's just over 4 months away.

work is good. i go in and out of job satisfaction, but overall i really can't complain. i get to do good work for good people and get paid for it. and working at the church has really helped me narrow down my future goals. i've learned more of who i am and what i want to do. the gym is pretty good. all-stars is winding down which is nice. that means there are fewer attitudes to deal with. i really enjoy teaching my wednesday classes with the little ones, who sadly left me to play soccer for the next month or two, and the older beginner girls. i've really seen a change in attitude from a few of them, and while they're still quite crazy, it's really cool to see how far they've come in the month that i've been working with them. i also have another opportunity or two for jobs that are exciting, so i'm really praying about those now too. and at least once a week i check out job websites to see if there are any opportunities for me. my issue is the whole full-time student thing, and that they may interfere with some commitments i may be making soon. so if you can keep me in your prayers there too.

there is sooo much bouncing around in this head of mine that it's amazing that i get anything done ever really. and i tend to worry a lot, so that doesn't help either. but on the upside, i've had an amazing couple of weeks/weekends with my favorite people. so i have really gotten to see how blessed i am, and how important relationships are. and i get excited thinking about all the possibilities too. so here's to life! have a blessed day!

-lovingly-
k

p.s. i'll try to make my next post a little less self-involved. :)

because you know you want to know.

i'm kickin' it old school with my blog today. it's been a while since i've written, and there are so many random things to write down. so i'll write them as they come to me.

the wedding checklist is finally starting to wind down. the last big thing to get is the cake.

i've rediscovered my narrated bible. i like reading through it chronologically. i can connect with the story better.

i'm reading a little bit for pleasure rather than my school books. i'd forgotten what it felt like, so i rebelled a little.

i can't wait for february to be over so i can have some weekends again.

i've also rediscovered the library. free books. so amazing.

i'm reading a book by a.w. tozer for a bible study, and i highly recommend him.

i wish that i got naps. but i do get full night's sleep usually. so i shouldn't complain.

i miss people. especially my people. i need people.

why must we all grow up anyway? it's kinda cool, but mostly it's scary. can i get an AMEN?

i still have no clue what i wanna do after i'm done with school.

part of me still isn't sure that i'm even gonna finish grad school.

i hope it all turns out well.

i'm having to relearn how to communicate with God. somehow i'd forgotten, or it feels like i had. but it's all coming back to me now.

i'm determined to write more. i even bought a journal specifically for that purpose. actually i bought two. i've got ambition. haha.

i want it to be warm again. bring me 70 degree weather, please.

i've been emotional lately. and it's weird. really weird. but i generally keep it to myself.

i've been in a "catch up with people" mood lately. i'm working on it.

and in case you haven't been keeping track like i have, it's only 171 days until i get married!

wow.

that's it. in a nutshell.

-lovingly-
k.

staying sharp.

Proverbs 23:17
Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another.

ah. so often i forget the value of community in my life. i like to think i can do it all on my own. but, alas, we are relational creatures made to be with each other. and the older i get, the more i realize my innate need for other people, and also the need for the right kind of people. i am blessed to have wonderful family & friends. and soon i hope to be in a wonderful church community that sharpens me as well. i can only hope to be a sharpener as others have sharpened me.

may our blades never grow dull.

Proverbs 23:17
Do not let your heart envy sinners, But live in the fear of the LORD always.

guilty of the former. continually striving at the latter.

worries.

Proverbs 22:4
The reward of humility and the fear of the LORD are riches, honor and life.

i am a worrier. i think it comes with my need to make plans. it's essentially a need to control things. i know, i know. this is no new revelation for you if you know me, or even for myself. just a statement of fact. but that simple statement of fact is not the point of this little blog entry.

in my spiritual life class this semester, my professor brought something interesting to my attention that i had never realized before. in 1 peter 5:5-7, it says this:

You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. [emphasis through caps theirs.]

you can humble yourself by casting your anxiety, your worry, on Him. and you trust Him because He cares for you. humility here is contrasted with worry. when i worry, i don't take God at His word that He'll take care of me. In matthew, Jesus said that as he takes care of the birds and the lilies, how much more so will He take care of me? and something inside me causes me to doubt His ability to do so. so i worry.

this popped into my head when i was reading that proverb earlier today. i'm well aware that pride is one of my biggest flaws, and it's pretty much the worst one to have. but it even shows itself in my worry. it shows how little i trust Him to take care of me. i trust people to do that all the time. how can i not trust God?

Father, clear my heart and mind of my anxieties that I might see You and your love more clearly. Help me find my focus on your love rather than my own abilities. Create in me a heart that seeks You and your kingdom first and leaves the rest to you. You are my Provider, my loving Father, and my ever-present Help. Thank you for the life You have given me. AMEN.

loyalty.

Psalm 93:1-2

"The LORD reigns, He is clothed with majesty; The LORD has clothed and girded Himself with strength; Indeed, the world is firmly established, it will not be moved. Your throne is established from of old; You are from everlasting."

Ah, the day after the election. Emotions are running high today, and to be honest I'm not quite sure how I feel about the whole thing. But I read this today and thought, does it really matter how I feel? There is no nihilistic tendency in this thought. It's just that I know that the God I serve is sovreign, and while man has free will, God still has ultimate control of the world and our lives. He knew what was going to happen, and for this time right now, Obama is to be President.

But that's a side issue, the main issue for me is to remember who my chief authority is. My loyalty is first to a King and a kingdom [as Derek Webb would say]. The Lord reigns, and He has from old, even more so from everlasting. My loyalty to Him demands my respect for the leaders of our nation, but more so, asks for my prayers for them. God is strong, and God is sovreign. My mind cannot comprehend the expanse of His plan for me, the country or the world, but whatever the plan is, I know it's for the best. He is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. He is here despite our human failings, and He is in these results one way or another.

My God reigns supreme above all the kings, presidents, prime ministers, and emperors. I serve Him with my heart and my life.

-lovingly-
k

here my heart is satisfied.

so, after that whole i'm gonna do Bible verses and post more, i disappeared for a few days. but i did keep up my reading. which you probably don't care about, but that's big for me. but here are the verses for today.

Psalm 84:1-2, 10-12

How lovely are Your dwelling places, O LORD of hosts! My soul longed and even yearned for the courts of the LORD; My heart and my flesh sing for joy to the living God. For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside. I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God, Than dwell in the tents of wickedness. For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts, How blessed is the man who trusts in You!

my boss shared them in our meeting this morning, and i always find them beautiful every time i read them. it reminds me why i love being in the presence of my Lord, because better is one day with Him than a thousand without Him. the more i read of Him, the more i love Him and the more i want to know of Him and be with Him. i think that's kind of how all relationships work, or should anyway. the more you know, the more you want to know. it's a deep respect and love and overall passion that builds a life together and makes you stronger.

how much more so should our relationship with God be like that? He is to be our first, our last, and our everything.

-lovingly-
k