failure.

I wrote this not long ago, but didn't post it. But now I am.

Lately, I’ve been thinking, which is not unusual for me, as I tend to overanalyze just about everything that happens, but here's where this particular train of thought started.

Two days ago I was playing sand volleyball at a barbecue, and I was so worried that I would be terrible or that I would embarrass myself or my team with my less than enviable volleyball skills (just ask my high school coach, I wasn't very good). That got me thinking. Why do I always feel such pressure to succeed? Was this self-imposed or did someone do this to me?

My conclusion is that it was self-imposed; and although it may have stemmed from elsewhere, I am definitely the one who has perpetuated it. I'm so scared of failure that I rarely even try. You can ask just about anyone that knows me well, and they can testify to this fact. Why don't I play more intramural sports? Because I might fail. Why don't I apply for different scholarships or programs or jobs? Because I might not get them. Why don't I write more in my blog or for anywhere else? Because it might be stupid and worthless.

Somewhere along in my life, I picked up the notion that I was supposed to be seen a certain way at all times. I think part of it stemmed from that "you must be a godly example" mentality that I grew up with. And, indeed, I must be. It’s my responsibility as a Christian. But instead of me being an example for God, I was really just being an example for myself. I took pride in my Christian life. And the truth is that I still do constantly. It’s not just what you do, it's why you do it.

I’m not saying that I wish that I would have just gone off my narrow path and done all the sinning I could while I could claim that I was young and silly and trying to find myself (although some days I feel like that); but, rather, I found that my unwillingness to have others see my faults has made me less accessible. I’ve made myself less of an influence because of it. No one wants to talk to someone who they feel they can’t relate to. And they're right in some ways, I can't relate to all of they’re experiences, but in many ways I can.

I'm human. I sin. I struggle with all of the things that collegians struggle with in their lives when they try to see how far is too far. I thought that by being the person who didn't fail, I could bring people to me who wanted to be like me, but instead all I did was make people feel like I was not on their level. I definitely don't have all the answers, but I wish in the past that I had shown others that I had the same questions and that I had even explored the possibilities.

At church we’ve been talking about the characteristics of spiritually influential people, and I have always wanted to be one. One of the characteristics is transparency. Let them see that you’ve failed, but that you’re forgiven and that you’re not letting your failure keep you from moving forward and growing. That will show them that God can love people just like them, people that fail, people that make mistakes constantly, people that could never live up to His expectations. Let’s face it. None of us meet those expectations, and none of us can ever meet those expectations. We’re all in the same sinking ship until God comes along to rescue us.

But instead of showing people how much God's love means to me and how much it has changed my life, I showed them how much my love for myself and my reputation means to me. And, ironically, that may be my greatest failure so far.

scattered thoughts.

oh, today. it's been a weird kind of emotional day.

i'm just tired. not in a physical sense, but just plain tired.

weary is the word.

constantly feeling as though i need to defend myself and my decisions.

i'm even defending them to myself sometimes.

feeling separated. likely self-induced at least in part.

ready to leave commerce, and not ready to leave commerce.

not sure if i can take the heartbreak of it again.

thus bringing the self-induced separation.

gotta love defense mechanisms.

choosing paths.

uncertainty and judgment all around.

i guess today it all just hit me at once.

and yesterday was such a good day too.

i suppose my bottle-it-up approach doesn't always work the way it's intended to. haha.

right now i'm gonna try the "be still and know that I am God" approach.

that one never fails.

i'm free of all of this. now i should just live like it.

here's to a better day!

-lovingly-
k

i know the plans You have for me.

Last week at church, my preacher was talking about the importance of being willing. He said that God will take a willing person and turn them into a worshiping servant, but the key is being willing, completely, totally giving your life over to Him.

This is something that in the past I have struggled with. I'm a little bit of a control freak, especially when it comes to my life. I like to know where I am going and what I'm doing. There's a comfort in that for me, as for most people. However, it's because of that very reason that God has found it beneficial to keep me from knowing such plans. I'm now nearing a very important crossroad in my life. I'm about to graduate college. That's just crazy. I can't believe this day that I've had down in my plans on paper my whole life is just 3 months away. I can barely grasp that in my mind. It is at this point in my journey where everyone asks me what I'm going to do and where I am going to go from here, and in my ignorance all I can say is "I have no idea, but I still have a little time."

Sadly, that time is quickly vanishing. However, I think I have an idea and a vague direction. Everyone tells you to find a job/career that you love and you'll never work a day in your life. So after much deliberation I came to one conclusion. The only job at which I could find myself happy with every day is in the concept of ministry. Yes, I love to write, and I may still get to do that. And yes, I love to cheer and teach cheer and gymnastics and all of that, and I may still get to do that too. That's what's great about ministry is that there are opportunities for so many different vocations within it. But the one place in which I could be happy all of my days is in sharing my wonderful Lord and beautiful Savior with people. That's really what it's all about.

People have told me before that they had seen me moving that direction with my life one day, and I think I knew it too. I just didn't want to take the steps necessary to be that person yet. I ran away from chances to do just that, and sometimes I still regret that. But I also know that I needed that time away to find myself and to find out that where I was going was exactly where I belonged. And last week, I heard that sermon about being willing, and at the end the preacher asked us to think and pray on it and to stand with him if we were, in fact, willing to be transformed into worshiping servants of God. And I did, and I am.

So that being said, I'm applying to seminary for the fall. The decision actually came quite easily to me, which if you knew me would surprise you. So for now it's out of my hands and solely in His, but that's where it should be. After all, it's not my life anyway, it's His.

a choice.

"If you want to be happy, be." --Leo Tolstoy

i've decided something today. i think that happiness is a choice, and from now on i'm going to choose it. i can't make others happy, they have to want to be happy, and i have to want to be happy in order to receive it. if i go into everyday thinking that someone or something else can make me happy, then i won't ever find it. i find joy in the Lord and happiness in myself, and i'm going to try to live by that from now on. i'm choosing happy, and i hope you do as well.

-lovingly-
k

definitely not like garth brooks.

It may seem a funny title, but right now it fits. Here's how. There's a song Garth Brooks sings that practically everyone knows, and rightfully so, it's a good song. It's called "The Dance." My favorite part is the piano at the beginning of the song, but that's a little off topic. The part I'm referring to is when he says, "And now I'm glad I didn't know / The way it all would end / the way it all would go / Our lives are better left to chance / I could have missed the pain / But I'd of had to miss the dance." He's saying that if even if he knew how it all would have turned out, even the fact that it failed and it hurt, he would have done it anyway.

Now me, I'm not that way. I rarely try things that I know I'll be bad at, and I definitely don't do things that I know I'm bad at (which is why I stay away from bowling and softball and basketball and golf and many more things generally). Occasionally there will be an exception to this rule, but it's very rare. I don't like failure. I don't like embarrassment. And I definitely don't like pain. Most things I do in my life are really to avoid these particular circumstances. I think that's a big part of my shyness. What if I say something wrong, or what if they don't like me? Thoughts that frighten me from speaking to just about anyone that I don't know without them speaking first. And believe me, this tendency is usually misinterpreted as snobbery, but in reality it's the opposite, just plain fear.

After many years, I have been able to conquer small parts of this fear. I can be outgoing when I have to be. Let's face it, you can't be a very good journalist without some kind of ability to talk to people and ask questions. So I can do it, but it still scares me. I have to write out every question I can think of and every follow up question and have them sitting right in front of me the whole time, or I forget them all. I often wonder how it's possible I've met anyone throughout my life, but God has been good to me. I know some fabulous people.

So you can only imagine that taking chances is not really a part of my personality. If I can't count on it being a good thing or being successful, then I won't even try to count on it. Why waste the energy worrying about it when I can be certain. However, certainty eludes me quite often. I can probably count 3 decisions that I've made as decisions that I was certain about when I made them, and they all happened within a year of each other.

Making decisions is something I loathe doing. I just can't take the "will it bother someone," "will they agree," "is this really the right thing to do" fight that goes on in my head day after day, moment after moment. Pile that on top of 1,000 other thoughts that are flying through my head at any given second (what can I say, I'm a multi-tasker), and it's enough to make anyone goes crazy.

The problem is that in life, you always have to take chances. Most of them are small, and you don't think twice about them. You probably don't even know you're taking them. You don't notice until the big ones come up. It's in those that you find, at least I do, a capacity for worry you didn't know you had. I don't put myself out there for people or for circumstances, and that also makes life difficult.

So the trouble with chances is that you have to take them, and that means taking the hurt and embarrassment and failure with them sometimes. In the end, all things work to the good of my life. If it were not some of those chances I wouldn't be here at this desk, or know you, or be the person I am today. Being human means messing up sometimes, and it can mean experiencing pain sometimes too. But I know that the pain is really where some of the most beautiful moments come from. So instead of looking forward to the possible hurt, I'm going to look forward to the beauty of life on either side of chance.

one step closer.

Wow. That's basically the sum of this last year. I can't believe how wonderful it has been, and how much growing I've done (although not physically, sadly, I'm simply destined to be short).

I have had an entire year of living on my own and paying my own bills, although barely sometimes. The thing that has struck me the most this year is simply how gracious and faithful God has been to me. I have never had to miss a payment or go without for long. And I have to admit that as far as my walk goes I have had some ups and downs. But even when I was saying "not right now" or "not yet," God was saying, "I'm still here for you." That means everything to me, and that's why I am so grateful that I serve a great and loving God. He loves me even when I'm less than lovable.

While this past year has been wonderful, this next year shall likely prove to be challenging. In May, I will actually graduate college, a concept that becomes more real each day. Inevitably, that is a concept that also garners the "now what are you going to do" questions that make me feel so ignorant. You'd think if I knew one thing, it would be about myself and my own life. However, since my life is, in fact, not my own, I'm still waiting on those instructions. Right now, I'm satisfied with the small decision I've made about the summer. I'm definitely going to staff with CCA again, unless I get some absolutely amazing job offer that I just can't refuse (and that's highly unlikely) pops up. So I'm taking the summer to just be and maybe find some answers, but more importantly sharing the greatest of all answers, Jesus Christ, with people. I think that decision has made me happiest of late. My heart is overjoyed at the opportunity, and I may be going to Costa Rica with CCA too.

So, beyond the summer, I am clueless. I'm not sure what kind of job I want or if I want to go to graduate school or what I may want to study in graduate school if that's the case. I have so many dreams. I may just run away to New York or, better yet, London and see where life takes me. Although that's unlikely considering my need for plans and such, but I'm content to wait on the plans that God has for me. Sometimes I wish He felt the need to clue me in a little, but all in due time. It is only December, after all.

I guess that's enough from me, but that's where I am in my life at the present time. I'm just trying to make the most of the time and the people that I have been given, and I thank God every day for all of you. Thank you for being a light in my life.

-lovingly-
k

the courage to unpack.

it's really strange to have a whole lifetime of memories packed up in my car.

let me explain. after all of the ugly divorce stuff, the house that i lived in for a majority of my life is no longer going to belong to my family. it has been a long process. but saturday we had to pack up everything. when i say everything, i mean everything. all of my room, all of my furniture, pictures, clothes, and such.

you just don't think that you'd be the one in possession of your baby book or school pictures or the cast from when you broke your wrist in third grade. those are the kinds of things your parents hang on to at their houses forever. the problem is that my parent doesn't have the room to store it all, so i had to take them. and i really don't mind. it's just very strange to have all of it.

i haven't even had the guts to carry it all up to my apartment yet. all of it still sits in my car, just whispering the memories to me. my old gymnastics medals and competition t-shirts, tons of pictures from high school and my first year in college, old cards and letters.

some of those memories i want to keep buried, and some i don't mind unpacking. but i just haven't decided which ones fall into which category. and what do i do with all of them?

just let the past, be the past. hopefully, it will shine a bright light to help me navigate my future. but in the present, they still sit there and whisper calmly to me. reminding me of where i come from, all i am, and all that i could be.