packrat.

i'm a packrat. and i mean that in the sense that it applies to just about every area of my life. i hold on to old possessions whether or not they have any monetary or sentimental value. i hold on to other things like problems or emotions and whatnot. i hold on to people and to experiences and to so many other things.

it was just recently that i have discovered why. i like options. i like to know that something is out there waiting on me. it's out there for the sole purpose of being helpful to me. possessions, some people, and some good and/or hurtful experiences. it is just so easy to hang on to things when you think you have so much room. then all of a sudden, you're overflowing with things that you know you will never use or haven't even seen in years. but you just can't let it go because one day you just might need that one thing.

i hate letting go more than so many things. dreams and people are the hardest to let go of because those are closer to your heart than many others. it hurts, and i think i'm terrible at letting that hurt show. not to flaunt it or get sympathy, but to draw nearer to others that are still in my life or to help others find their way in their lives by being an example. some days when i sit down to think about all of the times i have had to give up something, i feel overwhelmed with sadness and hurt and confusion. the question you always want to ask is "why," but that question only brings more confusion. you start to feel as though all you do is give, and you get nothing for yourself.

that eternal perspective is tough when all you see is the immediate that may be filled with pain. that's where i am right now. i am trying to look forward to the prize at the end of the race.