400 miles.

today i sat down in my car and stared at the meter showing me a full tank for at least 5 minutes. i sat there and thought of just how many places could a full tank of gas take me. i could make it to another state even with hopes of making it to anothr state of mind. i have never wanted to leave a place so badly as i have wanted to leave here today. there have been so many things happening in my life the last week or so, and most of them i could definitely do without. i've gotten bad news, been yelled at for no reason, been sick, and have had the very core of me insulted. i have never felt so numb and so hurt at the same time. just give me an open road and a reason to go. i'm ready to leave everything behind.

packrat.

i'm a packrat. and i mean that in the sense that it applies to just about every area of my life. i hold on to old possessions whether or not they have any monetary or sentimental value. i hold on to other things like problems or emotions and whatnot. i hold on to people and to experiences and to so many other things.

it was just recently that i have discovered why. i like options. i like to know that something is out there waiting on me. it's out there for the sole purpose of being helpful to me. possessions, some people, and some good and/or hurtful experiences. it is just so easy to hang on to things when you think you have so much room. then all of a sudden, you're overflowing with things that you know you will never use or haven't even seen in years. but you just can't let it go because one day you just might need that one thing.

i hate letting go more than so many things. dreams and people are the hardest to let go of because those are closer to your heart than many others. it hurts, and i think i'm terrible at letting that hurt show. not to flaunt it or get sympathy, but to draw nearer to others that are still in my life or to help others find their way in their lives by being an example. some days when i sit down to think about all of the times i have had to give up something, i feel overwhelmed with sadness and hurt and confusion. the question you always want to ask is "why," but that question only brings more confusion. you start to feel as though all you do is give, and you get nothing for yourself.

that eternal perspective is tough when all you see is the immediate that may be filled with pain. that's where i am right now. i am trying to look forward to the prize at the end of the race.

perspective: lost and found.

well, there is just nothing like an evening with cca to give me a little perspective. first of all, i miss those people and those times so much! second of all, just getting the opportunity to spend time in a place where you just felt God's hand so present is amazing. you start to forget what that feels like sometimes. the altar was so crowded that the old staffers that were there had to go up to help counsel, and sometimes there is nothing like helping someone else draw nearer to God to help you do so. last night gave me perspective on why i do [or don't do] certain things, and why i am the way i am. there is a purpose for all of that, and there are times when i lose sight of that fact and get all caught up in other things. my determination had started to fade, but now i think i regained a little momentum. thanks.

it was so great to see everybody, and i miss them like crazy even more now! i thought it would help the withdrawal, but i think it just made it worse. i'm just pray that next summer i will get to spend my time doing what i love most! have a terrific summer, friends!

-lovingly-
k

writing for the sake of hearing my keyboard.

i just feel like writing right now. no particular thing to say. just writing. i have a busy week ahead of me. it starts with busy saturday... orchard, wine tasting [which i'm really looking forward to], and malissa's birthday party at side street. i hardly think i can stand all of the excitement. then sunday it's just work, but then it's back to commerce to get completely set for my cheer camp the next week. i have to start choreographing at it kind of sneaked up on me. so i have to come up with all of that among the excitement of the weekend.

let me tell you this camp has drained me. i have been working on shirts and shorts and uniforms and everything. but i can't really be complaining because i'm doing what i love. you really can't beat that. on the upside we picked up 2 more girls in the last 2 weeks. that is amazing. now we have six, 3 older and 3 younger. so underneath the stress i am really starting to get excited.

i am kind of starting wish i had a daytime job. it would give me something to do, but i will be alright eating and sleeping and being lazy during the day. really. i'm sure i'll manage. and now, i will wrap all of this up. i know that if you've made it this far, you're probably thinking that i need to shut up now. so, i will. much love.

have a blessed day!

-lovingly-
k

everywhere.

so today... i was kinda feeling bad about my legs. They're getting a little jiggly and what-not. i go to wal-mart to pick up my prescription, and i was in work clothes [soffe shorts, a t-shirt, and flip-flops]. this little old lady was behind me in line and when i was leaving she told me that i had the nicest legs and that i was "just darlin'." it was so sweet, and even though it was a shallow and vain thing to be feeling badly about [the jiggly legs] it was just what i needed. it's just funny how things happen like that. i've been blessed more in wal-mart this year than anywhere else. so, if you're wondering, God is everywhere... even in wal-mart.

-lovingly-
k

ah, summertime.

it smells like chlorine and sounds like the clanking of dominoes, the mexican train kind. so far, this summer has been good.

business is less than booming but going nonetheless. continue the prayers for a little more growth. we just need one or two more girls to make a real team. well, that and a little more cooperation from them as far as attendance goes.

the days are long and boring, but the nights are relaxing and filled with laughter. i love my friends, and i am so glad that i get this last summer with them. we play dominoes, hang out by the pool, and surf on see-saws. they also feed me sometimes, which is a quality i really enjoy.

i started at the orchard last weekend, and while most complain about that job i really don't mind it. now that we don't really have to deal with setting up the stuff it's better [for me anyway]. i'm getting better at talking to people there these days, but i don't enjoy having to stand up so long [neither does my back]. but it pays, so it works for me.

i found an apartment to move into at the end of the summer that is way cheaper than my current one. it also allows pets so my dear dog, hamlet, gets to come live with me too. that will be great. hopefully she'll call for me to put down my deposit this afternoon. i really just lucked into that one. a-mazing. i also lucked into the money for the deposit. well, i guess i should say i have been blessed beyond measure in every way.

i'm just working, relaxing, and laughing my way through the summer. i'm counting down those 6 long weeks until vacation with all of those fantastic friends of mine. it's looking like a good summer. just say "ah."

have a blessed day!

-lovingly-
k

wow.

my dearest friends--

i know you've been missing me and my constant updates on my life recently so i thought to myself, "self, you shouldn't neglect your duties any longer."

so here i am, in front of the computer trying to figure out all of the things that i need to tell you guys. and, naturally, it all leaves my head the moment i start typing. so i shall do my best.

last semester turned out wonderfully. i made all a's [which if you had media law, ethics, and internship in one semester too, you'd be impressed]. work is starting to look up. i finished in the media relations office for the semester. i got several stories on the website and got to help with the new ad campaign for the university too. i'm excited to go back there in the fall, and it helped me kind of find my strength in my writing. also, my new business is slowly picking up. currently our all star squad is small, but it should be building up soon. we also have some great opportunities opening up to work with squads in the area. as far as a personal life, well, that's about the same. i have kind of been fighting with myself lately, but i know what to do. no need to fight, just surrender. i know what i need, and i know what i'm looking for. and i know that settling will just hurt more than being alone for a little while. my friends are the bomb too.

with everything happening, i am just constantly amazed at how God continues to prove his faithfulness to me even when i show him over and over how unfaithful i am. his grace is unbelievable, and he just keeps on giving. i'm really working on trying to give too and live to please him. i know that i can't ever match his count, but i know that he never expected me too. amazing grace, indeed.

so, in short, life is good. i am doing quite well. and God is good all the time.

-lovingly-
k