pages to fill.

today, i wrote. it's such a small sentence for such a big act. i forgot how good it feels to actually write, just for me, on a pad of paper with a pencil making those swishing sounds as it moves against the grain. I wasn't penning vicariously though a keyboard and computer screen or letting it out in small conversational bursts. It was just me in my office with a legal pad and a pencil. It was amazing.

it was so nice to have this sheet of paper right in front of me containing all of my crazy put concisely in sentence form. now i can do whatever i want with it. lock it up forever. rip it into teeny, tiny little pieces. or even put it on the floor and dance on top of it victoriously. it's tangible, and you can do whatever you please with it.

and once that pile of crazy is neatly formed on lines of notebook paper, it is easier to sort through. you can answer the questions you've found, or maybe just figure out which questions really need answering, or you can just let it out and forget about it forever. all i know is that i have to do that more often.

400 miles.

today i sat down in my car and stared at the meter showing me a full tank for at least 5 minutes. i sat there and thought of just how many places could a full tank of gas take me. i could make it to another state even with hopes of making it to anothr state of mind. i have never wanted to leave a place so badly as i have wanted to leave here today. there have been so many things happening in my life the last week or so, and most of them i could definitely do without. i've gotten bad news, been yelled at for no reason, been sick, and have had the very core of me insulted. i have never felt so numb and so hurt at the same time. just give me an open road and a reason to go. i'm ready to leave everything behind.

packrat.

i'm a packrat. and i mean that in the sense that it applies to just about every area of my life. i hold on to old possessions whether or not they have any monetary or sentimental value. i hold on to other things like problems or emotions and whatnot. i hold on to people and to experiences and to so many other things.

it was just recently that i have discovered why. i like options. i like to know that something is out there waiting on me. it's out there for the sole purpose of being helpful to me. possessions, some people, and some good and/or hurtful experiences. it is just so easy to hang on to things when you think you have so much room. then all of a sudden, you're overflowing with things that you know you will never use or haven't even seen in years. but you just can't let it go because one day you just might need that one thing.

i hate letting go more than so many things. dreams and people are the hardest to let go of because those are closer to your heart than many others. it hurts, and i think i'm terrible at letting that hurt show. not to flaunt it or get sympathy, but to draw nearer to others that are still in my life or to help others find their way in their lives by being an example. some days when i sit down to think about all of the times i have had to give up something, i feel overwhelmed with sadness and hurt and confusion. the question you always want to ask is "why," but that question only brings more confusion. you start to feel as though all you do is give, and you get nothing for yourself.

that eternal perspective is tough when all you see is the immediate that may be filled with pain. that's where i am right now. i am trying to look forward to the prize at the end of the race.